anxiety: a public memoir

*TRIGGER WARNING*

No Go Tokyo, the fact that the political is personal, the fact that Twelve days in the desert left Jared Leto clueless about coronavirus, “Smithereens”, Stay in this Spanish glasshouse retreat from the latest Black Mirror series, the fact that watching Avenue 5 makes quarantine feel really cozy, Do you realize / We're floating in space?, the fact that covid19 is like The Leftovers but in real life, the fact that in The Leftovers 2% of the world's population vanishes into thin air one day, the fact that the event is known as The Great Departure, the fact that covid19 is really making the possibility and necessity of socialism abundantly clear, the fact that Reality Has Endorsed Bernie Sanders, Coronavirus in Florida: Most Tampa Bay counties terrible at social distancing, study says, the fact that i'm from tampa, born and raised, the fact that I grew up playing ice hockey in tampa, Spain turns ice rink into a morgue as coronavirus deaths pile up, the fact that this is a real time covid19 map, the fact that here are live covid19 stats, Here's what's wrong with Gov. Newsom's stay-at-home order: It's a legal mess,

the fact that covid19 is a global pandemic, the fact that The Coronavirus Crisis Is Political, honestly duh, the fact that it feels hyperbolic to use those words but its the truth, the fact that many people are disregarding the seriousness of coronavirus, the fact that their behavior and attitudes are misinformed and selfish, the fact that some people are acting pretty normal, Urgent Messages from Italians in Coronavirus Quarantine, the fact that Marc Maron's comedy special “End Times Fun” is truly great timing and definitely recommended viewing (trigger warning: heteronormative and misogynistic under the banner of “comedy”), Marc Maron's End-of-the-World Anxiety, the fact that Marc Maron’s Netflix Special Predicted the Pandemic Panic, but He’s Doing Just Fine, the fact that Netflix is slowing down in Europe to keep the internet from breaking, the fact that Marc Maron is a comedian and tone is really difficult to convey through the written word and one should keep those two things in mind when and if reading the following excerpt from his special,

I don't know what's happening, people. I don't know. But it's pretty clear the world is ending. I don't want to shock anybody. Seems to be happening, though. I thought we'd get out. I thought we'd make it under the wire. I thought I would, you know. I'm 56, but I don't know, I think we might see it. I think we might see it. Certainly it's been ending environmentally for a long time. We've all kind of known it, we knew it, but I think on a deeper level, the reason we're not more upset about the world ending environmentally is I think all of us, in our hearts...really know that we did everything we could.You know, we really...Right? I mean, we really did. I mean, think about it, we—you know, we...We brought our own bags...to the supermarket.Yeah, that's about it. Like, we brought— We brought the bags.Right when they told us, we brought 'em,and it just wasn't enough, it turns out. Just not enough...to, you know, get us over the top with this.

the fact that i find apocalyptic language really weird and voyeuristic and often privileged and off-putting, the fact that i probably engage in it too, the fact that i don't mean to disregard the very real suffering that people worldwide are and have been experiencing,

I don't know what it's gonna take to get everybody, you know to ... like, you would think at this point that we'd ... like, haven't we been entertained enough? Weird thing for me to say, but Jesus. Like, isn't there something that could bring everyone together and just realize, like, we've got to put a stop to, like, almost everything. Right? Oh, my God, what would it take? Something terrible. That's what brings people together. Nothing good. Occasionally a concert outdoors. But that never really goes anywhere. It's gotta be something bad and big. Get everyone to fucking snap out of this ... Fuck, whatever it is, trance of like ... It's ... well, I think we do it adaptively. I think it's sort of like, “I'm doing what I can in my life.” Well, that's not enough, you know. I don't know what it'll take. Does the sky have to catch on fire? Would that do it? If we all walked outside and went, “Oh, we fucked it. Fucking sky's on fire. God damn it. I knew were in trouble, but fuck, it made the jump from land to sky. This is bad.” One guy standing there, “It's not on me, man, I brought my bags,”

the fact that service workers are losing work, the fact that i was sent home from my shift abruptly at the restaurant because the bay area was put on lockdown, the fact that i think covid19 is bringing to light how royally fucked our everyday realities are, housing, inequality, food insecurity, healtchare, the fact that this situation is making me think of this book preston shared with me recently titled Seeds of Peace: A Buddhist Vision for Renewing Society in which (according to Preston) the author Sulak Sivaraksa urges the reader to contemplate the profound effects (global, societal) that would follow a collective moment of breath, a great pause, the fact that we have created virtual realities that are divorced from the substance of life, the fact that we could solve most of our problems if we just tried, the fact that i keep returning to the phrase “essential services,” the fact that i think many services that are deemed non-essential in the short term are in fact essential in the long term, the fact that i also think this moment is and should be a moment of reflection for everyone on the necessities of life, the fact that we live with so much excess, the fact that we should really eat the rich, Affluenza, How to Do Nothing, the fact that public health measures to covid19 represent state-sponsored non-compliance in the status quo, in business as usual, the fact that what if we collectively as people refused to comply, the fact that this situation also reminds me of the Leftovers which is a show set 3 years after the “Sudden Departure,” a global event that resulted in 2% of the world's population disappearing in a moment, the fact that the show depicts the aftermath of this catastrophic event, the despair and confusion, the spiritual toll, the psychological pulls towards getting back to life as normal, the psychological push against doing so, the fact that to pretend things are normal when they are not is really fucked up, mass incarceration, the fact that humans are not meant to caged, the fact that social disruption seems to be the only way to really change things, the fact that if solutions aren't disruptive then they're not really solutions, the fact that if solutions are disruptive then they're suppressed, Weather Underground, the fact that i have the logo of the Weather Underground tattooed on my right foot, Mr. Robot, ecotopia, the fact that in ecotopia the citizens of that society have created an 'ideal' society by focusing on essentials like reducing unnecessary pollution through things like travel and personal vehicles, the fact that the book is also text-book white patriarchal environmentalism, the fact that i feel such a push and pull towards the 'real issues,' essential services, the fact that i worked at riker's island and i've never felt the same since, the fact that i feel a pull because they're the real issues, the fact that these are the things that 'matter,' the fact that cities collapse when sanitation workers strike, the fact that life goes on when bankers strike, An Ode to Sanitation Workers, pink collar work, life and death, Diane's memorial, Our Town,

Emily:

In a loud voice to the stage manager. I can't. I can't go on. It goes so fast. We don't have time to look at one another. She breaks down sobbing. The lights dim on the left half of the stage. Mrs. Webb disappears. I didn't realize. So all that was going on and we never noticed. Take me back — up the hill — to my grave. But first: Wait! One more look. Good-bye, Good-bye, world. Good-bye, Grover's Corners . . . Mama and Papa. Good-bye to clocks ticking. . . and Mama's sunflowers. And food and coffee. And new-ironed dresses and hot baths . . . and sleeping and waking up. Oh, earth, you're too wonderful for anybody to realize you. She looks toward the stage manager and asks abruptly, through her tears: Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it? every, every minute?

Stage Manager:

No. Pause. The saints and poets, maybe they do some.

the fact that i also feel pushed away from the real issues because we live in a world that doesn't care about the real issues and that is supremely fucked up and difficult to deal with while working in those fields, the fact that people burn out as social workers and therapists, the fact that you have to go into debt to be a social worker or therapist, the fact that teachers don't make enough money to pay rent, the fact that i'm inspired and scared to think about what our world could like if we treated all of our problems with this much efficiency and collective willpower, the fact that in this moment we have a collective purpose, Wild Wild Country, the fact that we could live in society based on necessities and collective flourishing would follow, Palaces for the People, the fact that it's hard to even imagine what we could achieve if we were no longer at war with ourselves, the fact that capitalism is selfishness, the atomized individual, the fact that capitalism represents war not only with each other but also with ourselves, the fact that capitalism is warring against the parts of ourselves that are inclined to cooperate and flourish in a collective and public ways, the fact that an Irish priest named Richard Hendrick wrote this poem titled “Lockdown” about the coronavirus pandemic,

Yes there is fear. Yes there is isolation. Yes there is panic buying. Yes there is sickness. Yes there is even death. But, They say that in Wuhan after so many years of noise You can hear the birds again. They say that after just a few weeks of quiet The sky is no longer thick with fumes But blue and grey and clear. They say that in the streets of Assisi People are singing to each other across the empty squares, keeping their windows open so that those who are alone may hear the sounds of family around them. They say that a hotel in the West of Ireland Is offering free meals and delivery to the housebound. Today a young woman I know is busy spreading fliers with her number through the neighborhood So that the elders may have someone to call on. Today Churches, Synagogues, Mosques and Temples are preparing to welcome and shelter the homeless, the sick, the weary All over the world people are slowing down and reflecting All over the world people are looking at their neighbors in a new way All over the world people are waking up to a new reality To how big we really are. To how little control we really have. To what really matters. To Love. So we pray and we remember that Yes there is fear. But there does not have to be hate. Yes there is isolation. But there does not have to be loneliness. Yes there is panic buying. But there does not have to be meanness. Yes there is sickness. But there does not have to be disease of the soul Yes there is even death. But there can always be a rebirth of love. Wake to the choices you make as to how to live now. Today, breathe. Listen, behind the factory noises of your panic The birds are singing again The sky is clearing, Spring is coming, And we are always encompassed by Love. Open the windows of your soul And though you may not be able to touch across the empty square, Sing.

the fact that i attended an 8-hour mental health first aid training last weekend, the fact that the world we live in is fucked up, Becoming a Therapist: Expectations vs Reality, Frustration with job search of entry-level mental health jobs, Any therapists here who aren't burned out and enjoying their jobs?, Jobs for people with depression, I want to study the relationship between capitalism and mental health. Where should I look for literature and what would be the best degree/career path (Psych, Epidemiology, Econ, Sociology, etc)?, How to recover from being a Psychotherapist?, the fact that people go tens of thousands of dollars into debt to go to grad school for therapy or social work, the fact that people burn out on these careers, the fact that the average therapist works for ___ years before burning out and switching careers, Burnout is common among psychotherapists – now a review has identified the personal characteristics that increase the risk further, r/psychotherapy, Therapist Burnout, How Common Is It For A Psychologist to Do Research And Therapy? And Other Career Questions., Capitalist Realism and the Cruel Optimism of Bernie Sanders

proletariat, plebian, protoproletariat, Biden, action, entertainment, drugs, travel, nuclear family, dinners, comfort, organizing, activism, mobilization, materialist society vs. material change, spent, semiotic society, Philip k Dick, 4 kinds of dystopia, white men, technology, distraction, entertainment, the fact that the average “U.S. consumer” watches 4-5 hours of TV every day, video games, travel, Total Entertainment Forever, ♫ Pursuit of Happiness by Kid Cudi ft. MGMT ♫, the fact that quality of life as a concept is an individual pursuit with measures that reflect individualism, Leonard Nevarez, civic duty, the fact that the human mind wasn't made to conceptualize money, the fact that it's not something we were evolved for, the fact that we also weren't evolved for math but that stuff I can grasp pretty easily, the fact that I actually really enjoyed calculus, problem-solving, limbo,

burnout as an excuse, when do I qualify for burnout, qualifying for food stamps, benefits, welfare, safety net, net, fishing, that fishing show, The Great Catch, prisons, neurodivergence, putting in your time, suffering as a badge of honor, Mad Pride, suffering as a qualifier for love and acceptance, the fact that actively identifying as disabled due to my sleep disorders or mental illnesses provides me with narratives that feel validating but also debilitating, the fact that the clinical and individual paradigms feel limiting, the fact that they paradoxically feel like they create more space for conversation and understanding but also fuel self-fulfilling prophecies of disability and struggle, “like the star's wellness brand, this whole show is a demented paean to self-indulgence” (source), Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop Arts, and Science,

the fact that “flavour has no borders,” cultural appropriation, colorblind racism, ♫ Imagine there's no countries/ It isn't hard to do / Nothing to kill or die for / And no religion too / Imagine all the people living life in peace / You may say I'm a dreamer/ But I'm not the only one ♫, cookbooks as our late-capitalist dystopian expression of universality, “our suffering is a thread that weaves us all together,” We Are All United By Our Universal Appreciation of Flavor, Duhkha, We Are Not One, the spice trade, colonialism, globalization, Ottolenghi, Zionism, Zaitoun: recipes and stories from the Palestinian Kitchen,

Soviet Russia, the fact that I've read that the USSR was mostly unsuccessful because of weather and corruption and geography and also American Western conflicts and covert undermining, the fact that there's a word for that, political warfare, the fact that socialism sounds like it could be pretty great, the fact that a socialist version of Terence McKenna's Archaic Revival sounds better, the fact that I recognize that Terence McKenna contributed to the colonialist projects of drug tourism and spiritual extractivism in South America, the fact that me recognizing this does not excuse my appreciation for his ideas, the fact that socialism can be bogged down in bureaucracy, the fact that it's really dystopian and disorienting and mentally taxing that there's so much paperwork and legality necessary for human life in western industrialized nations, IDs, taxes, visas, life, human life, living, eating, sleeping, the fact that switches on a computer can decide whether or not someone lives, binary code, the fact that there's so many hurdles to jump through just to support yourself, the fact that you have to support 'the system' first,' the fact that the Reddit pages on socialism are filled with so much anger and toxic masculinity, the fact that socialism & spiritual bypassing is so classically white and male, I Am a Young Mom Working At McDonald's. Here's What It's Really Like, Bernie Sanders, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, paradox, identity politics,

the fact that I actually love drunk biking, the fact that I loved biking around with zoë to that show in the socos, to dollar beer night on Thursdays, soco sounds, soho sounds, south of Howard, Tampa, ciccio restaurant group, the fact that Patrick's worked for them for ages now, the fact that they're building all these high-rises in Tampa, noise pollution, the fact that im at the park and no one is here, except for gasparilla which is the worst, the fact that im not sure where the homeless people sleep in tampa, queer people at Gasparilla, the fact that I doubt they're using eco-friendly supplies in these new buildings, the fact that it's the culture not just the policy, the fact that if policy was changed it would be resisted by the culture of business in Tampa, capitalist realism,

the fact that I still don't know what it means to be genderqueer, What Is It Like to Be Non-Binary? I’m Still Finding Out., Help! I Think I Might Be Non-Binary, But How Can I Know?, How to Know If You’re Non-Binary, transgender teen survival guide non-binary flowchart,

nonbinary flow chart

the fact that masculinity feels really limiting, the fact that I feel limited in what I can be as a man, the fact that I still feel like a man sometimes, the fact that I don't want to abdicate myself of the responsibility of attending to male privilege or toxic masculinity, the fact that I do feel concern around my safety sometimes, the fact that whether or not that concern is based on real danger i do not know, the fact that I do feel discomfort around family, hometown, and old friends, they/them, the fact that sometimes i don't feel seen or understood, the fact that people have yelled slurs at me, the fact that some things that may seem like a choice don’t feel like a choice because they're a genuine expression of me, style, art, fashion, hair, earrings, dresses, skirts, the fact that gender queerness to me is far more than outward portrayals like fashion, the fact that gender queerness has helped me understand my experience of the limitations and problems of masculinity, the fact that genderqueerness feels like a genuine expression of my felt distance from masculiniy, the fact that i don’t mean to abdicate myself from the responsiblity of attending to masucline privilege, the fact that I am not exploring genderquerness to escape the vilification of my masculinity but rather to be seen and exist outside of it, the fact that i live outside of it, the fact that my experience exists outside of it, the fact that i want to be held accountable while also perceived outside the confines of expected masculine behavior, the fact that this article titled How To Make Your Marriage Gayer really made me feel validated in my genderqueerness because i identify with many of the roles and characteristics attributed to gay men and women, self fulfilling prophecy, I am who I am perceived to be, social psych, highly variable personality, Buddhist non-self, the fact that i've felt really uncomfortable in my body, the fact that sometimes during sex i feel like my body is being used, the fact that i often feel pressured into sex, the fact that i feel like my body is controlled and surveilled, sometimes by partners, the fact that im not sure how this feeling interacts with narratives around problematic cis men pursuing polyamory, the fact that (insert name) said that my awareness of these issues suggests im not the problematic trope, the fact that it matters the gender of who said that, she/her, the fact that this certainly doesnt mean i don't exhibit problematic masculine behaviors or thoughts, queer lite, internalized queer gatekeeping, the fact that i feel gender dysphoria but i dont want to transition to anything else, the fact that both he/him and they/them pronouns make me feel uncomfortable, the fact that misgendering feels binary (they/them OR he/him) and too blamey (for me, i recognize my experience isn’t everyone’s) and conveys a false certainty, the fact that i definitely don’t identify as a woman, the fact that they/them feels more right and felt great for awhile but now it feels like i have to justify or prove my queerness, projection, the fact that every expression of masculinity feels like it invalidates my experiences of genderqueerness, the fact that many close friends and loved ones in my life validate my gender, the fact that they say i don’t feel like a man, the fact that many expressions of masculinity in the bay area fall firmly outside the boundaries of male-identification in tampa where i’ve spent most of my life, the fact that its difficult to reconcile my experience in the bay area with my experience growing up in florida, paradox of queerness, the fact that whatever i want to do is not questioned and comfortable but i feel like i have to be more queer in order to be queer in the bay, queer lite, the fact that for me physical embodiment feels masculine, the fact that my sexuality feels more clear than my gender because gender feels quite contingent upon external validation, perception, reaction, judgment, the fact that i dont feel body dysphoria but i definitely dont feel body euphoria when it comes to my genitalia, the fact that mostly i feel genital ambivalence, the fact that i feel a lack of ownership over what my body is, circumcision, the fact that i didnt choose my birth sex, the fact that i feel a lack of ownership over how my body is perceived, over what it means, “I'm a citizen of the universe”: Gloria Anzaldúa's Spiritual Activism as Catalyst for Social Change, “big max energy,” naked and afraid, ripped and afraid, toxic masculinity, appropriation, 'You Don't Own Me,' A Feminist Anthem With Civil Rights Roots, Is All About Empathy,

You don't own me I'm not just one of your many toys You don't own me Don't say I can't go with other boys And don't tell me what to do Don't tell me what to say And please, when I go out with you Don't put me on display 'cause You don't own me Don't try to change me in any way You don't own me Don't tie me down 'cause I'd never stay I don't tell you what to say I don't tell you what to do So just let me be myself That's all I ask of you I'm young and I love to be young I'm free and I love to be free To live my life the way I want To say and do whatever I please ♫,

Men, emotional sensitivity, taking up space, emotional labor, communication, self-awareness, growth, mutual gaslighting, white femme victim narratives,

bad leftist male behavior bingo

The Ethical Slut, How a hackneyed romantic ideal is used to stigmatise polyamory, TRIGGER WARNING The Self-crucifixion of the Persecuted Polyamorist, Chastity Belt – Seattle Party

If you dance if you dance No girl will give you a chance You're a cool guy ♫,

What's the Difference Between Non-Binary, Genderqueer, and Gender-Nonconforming?, Beyond Androgyny: Nonbinary Teenage Fashion, 100 Ways to Make the World Better for Non-Binary People, The Gender Spectrum Collection: Stock Photos Beyond the Binary, Heterosexuality and its discontents, Heterosexuality Without Women,

the fact that I'm from Florida, feminist killjoys, The Beach Bum, the fact that I don't really identify with moondog at all, the fact that i'm pretty neurotic and definitely not a stoner or a beach bum, ♫ i don't even smoke weed / it gives me anxiety ♫, privilege, escape, the privilege to escape, the privilege to goof off, boats, wake, those left in the wake, damage, consequences, Wolf of Wallstreet, Pleasure Activism

Reporter: You’ve had an interesting life. How did you pull it off? How did you do it?

Moondog: How did I pull it off? How did I do it? [laughs] I mean, look, I could tell you that I've been trying to uncover the abyss beneath my illusory connection with the world. I could tell you that it's all written in the stars. I could tell you that I'm a reverse paranoiac. I am quite certain that the world is conspiring to make me happy. All three of which are true but it's really simpler than that. I like to have fun, man. Fun is the fucking gun, man. That is why I like boats. I like water. I like sunshine. I like beautiful women. A lot. I get all these things going, man, and they are all turning me on. And my wires are connecting upstairs and I start to hear music in my head. You know, and the world is reverberating back and forth and I hit the frequency and I start to dance to it. My fingers get moving, my head gets soupy, I'm spinning all over the fucking place, and the fucking words come out. It is like it's a fucking gift.

Reporter: What makes you, Moondog, different than all these other people?

Moondog: Seriously? You mean the ones up north on the mainland, the ones racing to the red line, the ones stuck in their ways, a little bit too busy to check in and say, howdy-howdy-doo? That shit's not for me, man. I mean, fuck, man, so many people trip themselves when they're running downhill. Life's hard enough. Why would you fucking want to do that? I mean, it's like, we're here to have a good time. I just want to have a good time until this shit's over, man. This life gig's a fucking rodeo, and I'm gonna suck the nectar out of it. Fuck it raw dog until the wheels come off,

the fact that in the poem “September 1st, 1939” W.H. Auden wrote

Faces along the bar Cling to their average day: The lights must never go out, The music must always play . . . Lest we should see where we are, Lost in a haunted wood, Children afraid of the night Who have never been happy or good.

white men, the objectification of women, the fact that the ending of The Beach Bum, gives me so much physical anxiety that it almost ruins the movie for me, the fact that this is what Kurt Vonnegut said in an interview about telling his wife he's going out to buy an envelope:

Oh, she says well, you're not a poor man. You know, why don't you go online and buy a hundred envelopes and put them in the closet? And so I pretend not to hear her. And go out to get an envelope because I'm going to have a hell of a good time in the process of buying one envelope. I meet a lot of people. And, see some great looking babes. And a fire engine goes by. And I give them the thumbs up. And, and ask a woman what kind of dog that is. And, and I don't know. The moral of the story is, is we're here on Earth to fart around. And, of course, the computers will do us out of that. And, what the computer people don't realize, or they don't care, is we're dancing animals. You know, we love to move around. And, we're not supposed to dance at all anymore,

the fact that I'm not sure when I started to believe, to really internalize, that i'm not really someone unless i “make something” of my life, prestige vs. privilege, status vs. comfort and stability, opportunity and abundance vs. scarcity and inadequacy, the fact that i must be wary of elevating affect to the level of social cause,

Lewis: I’ve had a lot in my life. But I always had this feeling like when I left, no one going to remember me. But knowing you, being a part of what you did, maybe that means something now. I want to thank you,

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