anxiety: a public memoir

*TRIGGER WARNING*

the fact that I still don't know what it means to be genderqueer, What Is It Like to Be Non-Binary? I’m Still Finding Out., Help! I Think I Might Be Non-Binary, But How Can I Know?, How to Know If You’re Non-Binary, transgender teen survival guide non-binary flowchart,

nonbinary flow chart

the fact that masculinity feels really limiting, the fact that I feel limited in what I can be as a man, the fact that I still feel like a man sometimes, the fact that I don't want to abdicate myself of the responsibility of attending to male privilege or toxic masculinity, the fact that I do feel concern around my safety sometimes, the fact that whether or not that concern is based on real danger i do not know, the fact that I do feel discomfort around family, hometown, and old friends, they/them, the fact that sometimes i don't feel seen or understood, the fact that people have yelled slurs at me, the fact that some things that may seem like a choice don’t feel like a choice because they're a genuine expression of me, style, art, fashion, hair, earrings, dresses, skirts, the fact that gender queerness to me is far more than outward portrayals like fashion, the fact that gender queerness has helped me understand my experience of the limitations and problems of masculinity, the fact that genderqueerness feels like a genuine expression of my felt distance from masculiniy, the fact that i don’t mean to abdicate myself from the responsiblity of attending to masucline privilege, the fact that I am not exploring genderquerness to escape the vilification of my masculinity but rather to be seen and exist outside of it, the fact that i live outside of it, the fact that my experience exists outside of it, the fact that i want to be held accountable while also perceived outside the confines of expected masculine behavior, the fact that this article titled How To Make Your Marriage Gayer really made me feel validated in my genderqueerness because i identify with many of the roles and characteristics attributed to gay men and women, self fulfilling prophecy, I am who I am perceived to be, social psych, highly variable personality, Buddhist non-self, the fact that i've felt really uncomfortable in my body, the fact that sometimes during sex i feel like my body is being used, the fact that i often feel pressured into sex, the fact that i feel like my body is controlled and surveilled, sometimes by partners, the fact that im not sure how this feeling interacts with narratives around problematic cis men pursuing polyamory, the fact that (insert name) said that my awareness of these issues suggests im not the problematic trope, the fact that it matters the gender of who said that, she/her, the fact that this certainly doesnt mean i don't exhibit problematic masculine behaviors or thoughts, queer lite, internalized queer gatekeeping, the fact that i feel gender dysphoria but i dont want to transition to anything else, the fact that both he/him and they/them pronouns make me feel uncomfortable, the fact that misgendering feels binary (they/them OR he/him) and too blamey (for me, i recognize my experience isn’t everyone’s) and conveys a false certainty, the fact that i definitely don’t identify as a woman, the fact that they/them feels more right and felt great for awhile but now it feels like i have to justify or prove my queerness, projection, the fact that every expression of masculinity feels like it invalidates my experiences of genderqueerness, the fact that many close friends and loved ones in my life validate my gender, the fact that they say i don’t feel like a man, the fact that many expressions of masculinity in the bay area fall firmly outside the boundaries of male-identification in tampa where i’ve spent most of my life, the fact that its difficult to reconcile my experience in the bay area with my experience growing up in florida, paradox of queerness, the fact that whatever i want to do is not questioned and comfortable but i feel like i have to be more queer in order to be queer in the bay, queer lite, the fact that for me physical embodiment feels masculine, the fact that my sexuality feels more clear than my gender because gender feels quite contingent upon external validation, perception, reaction, judgment, the fact that i dont feel body dysphoria but i definitely dont feel body euphoria when it comes to my genitalia, the fact that mostly i feel genital ambivalence, the fact that i feel a lack of ownership over what my body is, circumcision, the fact that i didnt choose my birth sex, the fact that i feel a lack of ownership over how my body is perceived, over what it means, “I'm a citizen of the universe”: Gloria Anzaldúa's Spiritual Activism as Catalyst for Social Change, “big max energy,” naked and afraid, ripped and afraid, toxic masculinity, appropriation, 'You Don't Own Me,' A Feminist Anthem With Civil Rights Roots, Is All About Empathy,

You don't own me I'm not just one of your many toys You don't own me Don't say I can't go with other boys And don't tell me what to do Don't tell me what to say And please, when I go out with you Don't put me on display 'cause You don't own me Don't try to change me in any way You don't own me Don't tie me down 'cause I'd never stay I don't tell you what to say I don't tell you what to do So just let me be myself That's all I ask of you I'm young and I love to be young I'm free and I love to be free To live my life the way I want To say and do whatever I please ♫,

Men, emotional sensitivity, taking up space, emotional labor, communication, self-awareness, growth, mutual gaslighting, white femme victim narratives,

bad leftist male behavior bingo

The Ethical Slut, How a hackneyed romantic ideal is used to stigmatise polyamory, TRIGGER WARNING The Self-crucifixion of the Persecuted Polyamorist, Chastity Belt – Seattle Party

If you dance if you dance No girl will give you a chance You're a cool guy ♫,

What's the Difference Between Non-Binary, Genderqueer, and Gender-Nonconforming?, Beyond Androgyny: Nonbinary Teenage Fashion, 100 Ways to Make the World Better for Non-Binary People, The Gender Spectrum Collection: Stock Photos Beyond the Binary, Heterosexuality and its discontents, Heterosexuality Without Women,

the fact that I'm from Florida, feminist killjoys, The Beach Bum, the fact that I don't really identify with moondog at all, the fact that i'm pretty neurotic and definitely not a stoner or a beach bum, ♫ i don't even smoke weed / it gives me anxiety ♫, privilege, escape, the privilege to escape, the privilege to goof off, boats, wake, those left in the wake, damage, consequences, Wolf of Wallstreet, Pleasure Activism

Reporter: You’ve had an interesting life. How did you pull it off? How did you do it?

Moondog: How did I pull it off? How did I do it? [laughs] I mean, look, I could tell you that I've been trying to uncover the abyss beneath my illusory connection with the world. I could tell you that it's all written in the stars. I could tell you that I'm a reverse paranoiac. I am quite certain that the world is conspiring to make me happy. All three of which are true but it's really simpler than that. I like to have fun, man. Fun is the fucking gun, man. That is why I like boats. I like water. I like sunshine. I like beautiful women. A lot. I get all these things going, man, and they are all turning me on. And my wires are connecting upstairs and I start to hear music in my head. You know, and the world is reverberating back and forth and I hit the frequency and I start to dance to it. My fingers get moving, my head gets soupy, I'm spinning all over the fucking place, and the fucking words come out. It is like it's a fucking gift.

Reporter: What makes you, Moondog, different than all these other people?

Moondog: Seriously? You mean the ones up north on the mainland, the ones racing to the red line, the ones stuck in their ways, a little bit too busy to check in and say, howdy-howdy-doo? That shit's not for me, man. I mean, fuck, man, so many people trip themselves when they're running downhill. Life's hard enough. Why would you fucking want to do that? I mean, it's like, we're here to have a good time. I just want to have a good time until this shit's over, man. This life gig's a fucking rodeo, and I'm gonna suck the nectar out of it. Fuck it raw dog until the wheels come off,

the fact that in the poem “September 1st, 1939” W.H. Auden wrote

Faces along the bar Cling to their average day: The lights must never go out, The music must always play . . . Lest we should see where we are, Lost in a haunted wood, Children afraid of the night Who have never been happy or good.

white men, the objectification of women, the fact that the ending of The Beach Bum, gives me so much physical anxiety that it almost ruins the movie for me, the fact that this is what Kurt Vonnegut said in an interview about telling his wife he's going out to buy an envelope:

Oh, she says well, you're not a poor man. You know, why don't you go online and buy a hundred envelopes and put them in the closet? And so I pretend not to hear her. And go out to get an envelope because I'm going to have a hell of a good time in the process of buying one envelope. I meet a lot of people. And, see some great looking babes. And a fire engine goes by. And I give them the thumbs up. And, and ask a woman what kind of dog that is. And, and I don't know. The moral of the story is, is we're here on Earth to fart around. And, of course, the computers will do us out of that. And, what the computer people don't realize, or they don't care, is we're dancing animals. You know, we love to move around. And, we're not supposed to dance at all anymore,

the fact that I'm not sure when I started to believe, to really internalize, that i'm not really someone unless i “make something” of my life, prestige vs. privilege, status vs. comfort and stability, opportunity and abundance vs. scarcity and inadequacy, the fact that i must be wary of elevating affect to the level of social cause,

Lewis: I’ve had a lot in my life. But I always had this feeling like when I left, no one going to remember me. But knowing you, being a part of what you did, maybe that means something now. I want to thank you,

the fact that i want to send my thesis to Michael Pollan and DoubleBlind Mag, the fact that Timothy Leary said that “the kids who take LSD aren't going to fight your wars... they're not going to join your corporations, they won't buy it,” the fact that i don't think psychedelics are inherently progressive tools of liberation, the fact that i think they're being co-opted by mainstream medicine and psychology as tools of assimilation, Lucy In The Sky With Nazis: Psychedelics and the Right Wing, the fact that I think that article illustrates the importance of creating systems for integration of psychedelics to reduce their capacity to promote far right-wing ideologies but I think that doing so will have a similar limiting effect on far left-wing ideologies, the fact that I think psychedelics enhance the context in which they are taken and will thereby enhance the status quo mentality of the medical industrial complex that individualizes and depoliticizes people's suffering, “as more people 'turn on' it may be that the status quo impacts popular conceptions of psychedelia more so than vice versa,” the medical co-optation of mystical experience as the final frontier of secularization, Michael Pollan on the Science and Sublimity of Psychedelics, the fact that everyone is so critical of Leary (for good reason) but people (mainstream society) really embrace Michael Pollan, the fact that Nixon declared Leary to be “the most dangerous man in America” on national television, the fact there are reasons why Michael Pollan isn't seen as a threat to the status quo and to those in power, the pharmaceutical industrial complex, the fact that i really enjoyed watching Fantastic Fungi with hadley but i also am really critical of it, the fact that i'm critical of individual self-regulation, the neoliberal capitalist logic of efficiency and optimization at the heart of 'addiction' and mental health paradigms, critical disability studies, intersectionality, the fact that who gets punished for not self-regulating is shaped by identity and systems of oppression, the fact that white people are arrested for drugs too, the fact that the war on drugs is definitely racist and sexist, the fact that people don't consider what people are struggling with that contributes to substance abuse, the fact that drugs are also a legitimate means of pleasure, relief, escape, social activity, the fact that it's really hard to put that in conversation with substance abuse in a way that doesn't feel insensitive, the fact that i should apologize more to violet, societal oppression, inequality, lack of hope, stagnant wages, housing crisis, cultural mediocrity, loneliness, isolation, decline of community, pollution, the fact that 'allopathy' sounds way better than 'the medical-industrial complex,' homeopathy, Make America Trip Again, the fact that psychedelics could be utilized as tools of imagination, capitalist realism, The Beginning of the End of Capitalist Realism, The Meaning of Marianne Williamson, “there’s more in heaven and earth than what’s dreamed of by normal politicians,” the fact that Shakespeare wrote in Hamlet, “there are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy,” myopia, Acid Communism, What is Acid Corbynism?, Living, Not Just Surviving

the fact that establishment Democrats are realizing that Buttigieg is their vehicle to preserve the neoliberal status quo, Pete Buttigieg’s Elite-Friendly Politics Won’t Help the Marginalized, Mayor Pete Buttigieg Is Even Worse Than He Seems, “Mayor Pete Was the Kinda Kid Who Unplugged the Sega If He Was Losing.”, the fact that they're dropping Biden for the next best anti-Bernie candidate, Pete Buttigieg on Bernie Sanders, the fact that progressive voters who voted for Warren could've voted for Bernie and he would be in a clear lead right now, A Progressive’s Guide to Choosing Between Bernie and Warren, “I want a president” by Zoe Leonard, “I want a candidate who isn't the lesser of two evils,” Trump, Buttigieg, Biden, Eileen Myles, the Squad, the fact that only 62% of results have been released, “Just finished 62% of Titanic and Rose and Jack’s future seems really bright”, #mayorcheat, Tom Perez's recanvassing bullshit

the fact that the impeachment hearings sound like boring sports commentary and that is so depressing, What Happened With Merrick Garland In 2016 And Why It Matters Now

the fact that a federal ban on making lethal viruses has been lifted, coronavirus, bird flu, Contagion, How Fear of Contagious Diseases Fuels Xenophobia, the fact that fear of disease doesn't justify xenophobia or racism, the Great Filter, global nuclear war, the fact that Chernobyl is great television, distraction,

the fact that I almost got hit by a car tonight, the fact that they tried to run me over and honked at me, the fact that maybe it was because of the supremacy of cars in american culture and society, the fact that maybe it was because of toxic masculinity, the fact that maybe the driver wasn't a man, the fact that maybe the driver is really struggling in their life and had little to no patience for a cyclist on the road, the fact that maybe their patience had been diminished by a minimum wage job or inequality or gentrification or the lack of a social safety net in this country, universal healthcare, #ilikebernie, the fact that maybe it was because of white entitlement and the (lack of empathy? violence?) at the heart of whiteness, Radical Dharma, the fact that if I hadn't swerved out of the lane at the last second they would've hit me, the fact that I've been hit by a car before and someone's tried to run me over before, cyclists' right to the road, the fact that the bay area isn't bike friendly, the fact that baela said that LA is experiencing a surge in it's bike culture, the fact that i imagine it's way less safe than the bay, but the fact that the bay isn't safe but it has a false sense that it is safe which is also dangerous, the fact that so many people here ride around without helmets, the fact that I ride without my helmet sometimes, the fact that Berlin has a great bike culture, or so I'm told, the fact that a pedestrian was hit by a car in Berkeley the other day and killed, Vehicle fleeing police in Berkeley fatally strikes pedestrian, the fact that winters in Berlin are brutal, the fact that my SAD is really bad, the fact that getting killed in a bike accident also sounds pretty bad, the fact that I'm privileged to be able to make these choices, or privileged to be able to think that I am, the fact that people emphasize class privilege and forget about class solidarity, the 99%, Occupy Wallstreet, 99.9% by Kaytranada, Parasite, You Have to See Parasite, Parasite, a Window Into South Korean Neoliberalism, Sorry to Bother You, “Crazy” Anticapitalism, In the World of Film, We've Edited out All Rebellion, Race, Surrealism, and Apocalyptic in North American Film, “This Is America” by Childish Gambino, sweep it under the rug, respectability politics, Earthseed, “God is change,” “Ki-woo, you know what plan never fails? No plan at all. You know why? If you make a plan, life never works out that way,” laughter is the best medicine, the fact that noise pollution in Europe is really bad and has been linked to higher death rates, the fact that it's because Europe is really densely populated so there's more noise,

the fact that I know how my mind works but that doesn't always mean I can change it, CBT, depressive realism, the fact that the constantness of anxiety feels like a kind of constant dissociation from my experience, the fact that i'm pretty sure my anxiety has been worse since i cultivated a greater awareness of my headspace, meditation, the fact that i now can recognize my anxiety and an acute awareness of my anxiety in the moment can produce more anxiety, the fact that i get anxious about how i'm acting in a space when i'm anxious, the fact that i get anxious about not being able to leave a space, the fact that i get anxious about how leaving a space might make me more anxious, the fact that i get anxious about how expressing my anxiety in the moment might make me more anxious and even have a panic attack, the fact that i get anxious about being weird or awkward or rude when im anxious when really i'm just trying to take care of myself and my needs, the fact that sometimes i dont want people to “help” me when im anxious because that means more attention on me and that makes me anxious when im anxious, the fact that i keep so much tension in my body, the fact that i really don't like being alone, the fact that i wrote a paper in highschool about solitude vs. loneliness, the fact that i cherish moments of solitude but they're not often, the fact that i really love / crave / need people, “it takes a village,” drugs, cravings, neuroscience, brain, receptors, synapses, neurotransmitters, serotonin, toner, printer toner, make-up toner, MDMA, rollsafe.org,

“Oh, earth, you're too wonderful for anybody to realize you,” the fact that in any sustainable future we would need to have composting toilets, the fact that people aren’t willing to give up their comforts, the fact that I’m not willing to give up all of my comforts, but I also live in a van, “Deep Adaptation: A Map for Navigating Climate Tragedy”, the fact that someone told me that someone wrote an article about how living in a van actually doesn’t have a smaller footprint, the fact that I believe it, the fact that Kevin says that we could actually generate electricity from our urine, The no-flush movement: the unexpected rise of the composting toilet, the fact that being sustainable takes intentionality, time, and energy, attention economy, Our Town, “we like the sun comin’ up over the mountain in the morning, and we all notice a good deal about the birds, we pay a lot of attention to them”, I.C.E., the fact that i’m so tired, transportation, transition, Mr. Robot, Things It Would Have Been Helpful to Know Before the Revolution, r/collapse, government-funded campaigns to address toxic masculinity, racism, homophobia, public service jobs providing education about dismantling white supremacy, teachers, co-optation, destroying the patriarchy, eating the rich, rejecting the binary, The Struggles of Rejecting the Gender Binary, Gender is not a spectrum, Confessions of a Social Constructionist, Jordan Peterson's Bullshit, alternative money systems, bitcoin, tech bros, decentralization, taxation, waste, the fact that California, and specifically Berkeley, has a reputation of sustainability but we contribute to landfills like everyone else, maybe less so, but still, “Since 2000, the amount of solid waste sent to landfills from the Berkeley community dropped by approximately 50%, from 112,498 tons in 2000 to 56,189 tons in 2013” (source), “Berkeley currently sends about 68,000 tons of material to the landfill” (source), the fact that the first report said 56,189 tons in 2013 and the second article said 68,000 tons and was published in 2018, the fact that “Californians throw away 6 pounds of trash every day, equivalent to almost 2200 pounds every year, roughly the weight of a subcompact car” (source), pounds of trash per day, PPD, zero waste, plastic straws, beauty products, food, nationalization of food, nationalization of oil, eminent domain, nationalization of technology, Wi-Fi and cell phones, municipally owned utilities, the fact that we could all collectively own everything, The Cheese Board Collective, the fact that Lucy works at Cheese Board, the fact that I developed a lactose intolerance over the summer, municipal broadband, Municipal Broadband Is Roadblocked Or Outlawed In 25 States, City Wifi: Fast, Cheap, and No You Can’t Have It, 19 more Colorado cities and counties vote in favor of city-owned internet, while Fort Collins approves $150 million to move forward, public transportation, communal housing, communal parties, food orgy, communal meals, the right to reuse, repairing, the Berkeley tool lending library, the right to refuse, consent, repairing, no cars, Ecotopia, “Drunk Drivers/Killer Whales” By Car Seat Headrest, ♫ There's no comfort in responsibility / Drunk drivers, drunk drivers / It doesn't have to be like this / It doesn't have to be like this / It doesn't have to be like this ♫ , ♫ This is not a good thing / I don't mean to rationalize / Or try and explain it away ♫ , Blackfish, animal cruelty, the fact that Mothers Against Drunk Driving have consistently opposed legislation to lower the drinking age, To Reduce Binge Drinking, Lower the Drinking Age, 123 College Presidents Sign Initiative to Lower Legal Drinking Age, Group Opposes, College Presidents Urge Rethink On Drinking Age, Students for Sensible Drug Policy, SSDP, MADD, mad, Mad Magazine, Mad Men, Mad Max, energy consumption, using less light, less heating, the fact that living in a van really makes me think about everything I'm using as finite, solar panels, externalities, the fact that Geoffrey Miller writes in Spent that:

All negative externalities are, by definition, encroachments on other people’s lives and property. So, even hard-core libertarians who believe that governments should do nothing more than protect people from such encroachments should be willing to accept a consumption tax specifically designed to counteract such encroachments. From this viewpoint, the consumption tax is not paternalistic meddling. Rather, it is a classical “Pigovian tax” designed to correct the negative externalities of market activity. … From that perspective, it seems reasonable that governments should impose consumption taxes designed to neutralize each product type’s externalities. In other words, we should be free to choose what we buy and how we live, as long as we pay the fair price for every harm we do to others in the process,

the fact that people don't consider the energy requirements of video games or television or their Keurig, they just pay their utility bill, the fact that my battery runs out sometimes and my food spoils, fashion, fast fashion, clothes, minimalism, Wild Wild Country, robes, dressing for comfort but also for fashion, O.D.D., LLC®, “Clothes are a language; can you read? 'No' is OK. It's rhetorical; everybody speaks clothes — everybody, homelessness, #Moms4Housing, privilege, perspective, insensitive, New Age, Bohemianism, San Francisco, New York, Paris, Pride has sold its soul to rainbow-branded capitalism,

the fact that I watch too much TV, the fact that I listed TV on a list of things that prevent me from living the life that I want to live, self-help, Maniac, Father John Misty, ♫ Total Entertainment Forever ♫, the fact that Randy gave me a book titled The Unreality Industry: The Deliberate Manufacturing of Falsehood about TV as distraction but I haven't read it yet, ♫ Things It Would Have Been Helpful to Know Before the Revolution ♫, Barbara Kruger, I shop therefore I am, Danny Brown, ♫ Best Life ♫, Legion, 7 MIndf*ck TV Shows Every Guy Should See, 14 Mindfuck TV Shows That Are Guaranteed To Mess With Your Weekend Vibe, “psychedelic experiences don't just have to come from consuming fungus or injecting nutmeg, they can also be triggered by the visual experiences available to us today,” psychedelic experiences as apolitical, What is Acid Corbynism?, Corbyn, Sanders, and Warren: The Bogus Comparison, How the Cool Kids of the Left Turned on Elizabeth Warren, the fact that Trump being elected was like something out of a dystopian fiction novel, the fact that I don’t mean to say that it was surprising, the fact that dystopia is real and so is white supremacy, the fact that we live in a dystopia and most people don’t think that we do, 17 Mindfuck TV Shows That'll Make You Question the Fabric of Reality, Twin Peaks, Black Mirror, “Black Museum,” Janelle Monáe, Sense8, Altered Carbon, Wilfred, Russian Doll; Love, Death & Robots; The OA, Westworld, Mr. Robot, Lost, The Leftovers, Damon Lindelof, Watchmen, the fact that David recommended that I watch Watchmen, the fact that Tika and David said that if you want to work in TV you really have to commit your professional life to that goal, the fact that David and I bonded over watching The Leftovers together, the fact that Tika asked us what our favorite memories were together, the fact that I said watching The Leftovers together, but the fact that that question reminds me of when Luke (construction Luke, who I worked with alongside Kevin briefly for their living roof business) asked me what I did for fun and I didn’t know what to say, the fact that really my favorite memories of my friendship with David are the everyday stuff, conversation, laughter, support, intimacy and vulnerability, growth, nothing special or remarkable in the typical sense of a certain occasion or event or trip, but certainly special and remarkable to me, the fact that Damon Lindelof said that the success of The Leftovers sent him spiralling into depression (source), the fact that TV seems like a truly powerful and unique and rewarding and fulfilling and energizing environment to engage in one's creativity collaboratively and for a mass audience while also getting paid handsomely for it, the fact that I want a creative outlet for my experience, for grappling with the dystopia we live in, expressive arts therapy, Sharon, Farhana, CIIS, psychedelics, escape, Brave New World, the fact that for Nicole Kassel working on Watchmen was a creative outlet for living in Trump’s America; Ducks, Newburyport; “working on Watchmen in the current political climate, ‘I felt this other relief as an artist,’ Kassell said, ‘Like everyone else, I was reeling since the election. What can I do? How can I respond? When I read this I was like, This is it. This is where I can put that energy.’ There’s a palpable sense of relief in her voice as she talks about how the show is not only liberating for an artist Hollywood put on the shelf too soon, but for a human worn out from living in Trump’s America” (Vanity Fair), the fact that Trump ordered the assassination of General Suleimani, the fact that Suleimani was killed by drone strike, the fact that this could turn into a global conflict, the fact that @SpookyAnarchist claimed that this event will not spark WWIII and called out people (see Americans) for not acknowledging the Iranian lives that will be lost as a result of this needless war, global nuclear war, mutually assured destruction, weapons of mass destruction, Fallout 3, Fallout 4, Fallout: New Vegas, Watchmen, Open World RPGs, The Witcher 3, The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim, Red Dead Redemption, Red Dead Redemption 2, Cyberpunk 2077, Grand Theft Auto V, The 25 Best Open World Games To Play Right Now and Completely Forget Real Life Exists, Naming the Appeal of Fantasy Worlds, escape, engagement, binge watching, conversation, reddit, theories, explanations, fans, ♫ The Real World ♫ by Drugdealer ft. Sheer Agony, psychedelics, fantasy, dystopia, the fact that i said smartphones take us away from the moment and then and i think it was Devon who showed me the photo about how people said that about newspapers when they first came out, Vintage Photographs of People Reading Newspapers Before the Invention of That Grossly Antisocial Device: The Smartphone, Stop Sharing This Photo of Antisocial Newspaper Readers, Social Interaction Is Critical for Mental and Physical Health, the fact that Sarah says I'm really consistent in my appreciation of television, the fact that she's certainly not wrong, mindfuck as creative taste, “the last great hidden frontier, Mindlantis,” Freud, Civilization and Its Discontents, My Name is Chellis and I'm in Recovery from Western Civilization, the reductionism of psychological and biological approaches to the mind/brain, “honey, it's just the way your brain was hardwired,” laughter, tears, doubt, synth music, dancing, the lost city of childhood and play and freedom, the fact that as we grow older we lose play in our lives, the fact that psychedelics can help foster experiences of play by creating neural pathways that mimic the brain of a child, Netflix's 'Maniac' Is a Hallucinatory, Emotional Dream Machine, 'Maniac' Nails What It's Like Living with Mental Illness, Maniac Is a Strange, Hyperkinetic Ode to Connection, the fact that Maniac touches upon the reductionism of psychiatry and biomedicine as well as the emptiness of pop psychology and self-help, the fact that I think I'm more interested in teaching, writing, and creating as methods of expression, outlet, and community-building than I am in pursuing a formal career in psychotherapy, A Contemporary Representation of Reality: the Hysterical Realist Novel, Ducks, Newburyport, Tell me how does it feel?, “a pursuit of vitality at all costs,” This is how it feels to me,

hypothesis: all souls are on a quest to connect, corollary: our minds have no awareness of this quest, hypothesis: all the worlds that almost were matter just as much as the world we're in, corollary: these hidden worlds cause us great pain, camaraderie, communion, family, friendship, love, what have you, we're lost without connection, it's quite terrible to be alone, put simply, my goal is to eradicate all unnecessary and inefficient forms of human pain. forever. we must evolve past our suffering ... my research into this matter is, of course, ongoing,

Industrial Workers of the World, “Workers of the world, unite!”, Medicalizing Society, Why Bernie Sanders Is the Strongest Candidate on Mental Health Care, the fact that psychiatry was founded to suppress labor organizing, the fact that I tried to bring up these arguments to my clinical psych professor and she altogether dismissed them, dismissing my arguments as a straw man fallacy instead of taking my disilussionment with psychology seriously and helping me to refine my critical perspectives, ego,

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