anxiety: a public memoir


the fact that i heard this song in an ad and though its REAL cheezy it still resonated with me, the fact that “i wish like i could like i could be like all the cool kids cause all the cool kids they seem to fit in,” the fact that stalking Vassar cool kids on instagram makes me feel so insecure and excluded and isolated even and especially during this pandemic, the fact that i really miss my friends and dont think ive done a great job staying in touch with people, the fact that nadav and i have talked about this, the fact that mcclain and i have talked about this, the fact that i feel like my friendships with zoe and violet have disintegrated, the fact that im sure they're busy and struggling, like i am, the fact that i hope for our friendship that's why i haven't talked to them but the fact that i hope for them as people thats not the case and they've just moved past our friendship,

the fact that the amount of information and tasks out there is truly overwhelming, the fact that sometimes i'll just switch from task to task to task without really doing anything or deciding to do anything, without structuring my day at all, books to read, articles to read, positions to apply to, theory to read, practical advice to read, investing strategies to read, budget strategies to read, socio emotional skill building workshops to self-engage in, applications to be written and submitted, social media to be sorted through, posts to be categorized and filed away somewhere, for what, attention deficit trait, the fact that there are so many articles and ideas out there in the world, the fact that there are so many artists creating, producing so much, the fact that cognitive capitalism means virtual production (even though its never fully separated from material realities) and therefore infinite content, infinite content, infinite, content, the fact that im really not convinced that i need any more content, the fact that i have a hunger for 'reality,' reality hunger, the fact that as time has progressed, more has happened, the fact that im not sure over time it is unclear to me what gets converted from vitally relevant to merely important and thereby ignorable, the fact that it seems like i could spend my whole life building up a 'foundation' in literally everything, or the fact that even a simple foundation could take a lifetime, cooking, eating, nutrition, bodily functions, health, psychology, communication skills, conflict resolution, basic life skills, maintenance, home maintenance, auto maintenance, career skills, email etiquette, how to write a resume, how to write an email, how to network, networking skills, maintaining one's network, the fact that television surprisingly seems to speak to these content overwhelm, information overload, at least for me, the fact that i find television numbing and soothing, the fact that the affective dimensions of this content i dont even find overwhelming, that is to say that i'm not overwhelmed by the content of the information itself but more so by the volume of it, the dynamics of information processing, the fact that i have no idea what i want to do with my life, my day, my time so it's unclear how to use all of this information, the fact that i could use it to further my 'career' but the fact that dream jobs are capitalist propaganda bullshit, the fact that the task of living, not even the task of living a good life, has become so individualized and/or commodified that i feel like i have to learn everything or make enough money to not learn it, the fact that public goods are non existent, the fact that communal ways of satisfying basic needs are also pretty non existent, intentional communities, chores, cooking meals together, it takes a village, co-parenting, attention deficit trait, the fact that it's difficult to decide what to do because we live in a fucking twisted backward world of profit over people so making value-based decisions is impossible because everything is conflicting, the fact that its unclear what decisions i should make because i know im going to dislike (hate) most jobs and i dont really see any promising futures so what how do i make a decision for something to work towards when im not sure what to work towards or how to work towards it, paralysis of choice and information,

trigger/content warning: mental health

the fact that i haven't been posting very much but i have been writing a bunch, the fact that I'll probably dump it all here soon, the fact that my anxiety's been through the roof, the fact that even here (a space for my thoughts) it feels like I'm taking up too much space, the fact that this isn't so much a complaint as an acknowledgment, the fact that i think its good that I'm considering how much space I'm taking up but the fact that it can also be self-centering and excessive and unproductive, the fact that sometimes i just need to get out of my head more but the fact that getting out of my head doesn't necessarily mean engaging in more community-oriented work, embodiment, the fact that its really hard for me to engage with social media and virtual platforms and I've felt this for ages, self-love, guilt, the fact that I'm still not entirely sure how to reconcile my anxiety with anti-racist work, the fact that i think this is mostly because i'm still pretty stuck in my anxiety and that feels pretty unresolved, For the white person who wants to know how to be my friend by Pat Parker, mental health vs. white discomfort, self-care vs. escapism, “discomfort is not dangerous”, the fact that a Suicide Epidemic Has Swept Across American West, Are We Facing a Post-COVID-19 Suicide Epidemic?, Thoughts on the Suicide Epidemic, the fact that Suicide Is Becoming America’s Latest Epidemic, COVID-19 and Suicide: ‘A Perfect Storm’?, civic duty/engagement, social responsibility, the fact that I'm pretty resistant to medication in part due to being significantly over-medicated on stimulants when i was a kid, the fact that in high school at one point i was taking 70mg of Adderall a day, the fact that i also struggle with chronic fatigue and worry that anxiety medication would worsen that which would only amplify my anxiety in a myriad of ways, productivity, employment, energy, exercise, social life, the fact that anxiety can manifest as guilt and can hinder my anti-racist work and engagement, the fact that im exhausted and haven't been sleeping well, the fact that i think everyone should read Radical Dharma but i haven't seen it talked about lately, Pleasure Activism, “If I can't dance, I don't want to be part of your revolution. A revolution without dancing is not a revolution worth having,” the fact that it seems like material activism has been displaced by emotional activism (in some spaces), discomfort as the work, Read Vivian Gornick’s Romance of American Communism, The Humanity of American Communism, unthinkable thoughts: call out culture in the age of covid-19 – adrienne maree brown,

the fact that my friend Maddie has convinced me to invest in cryptocurrency, the fact that Sarah is worried i've turned into a finance bro, fintech, the fact that i really just am afraid of what happened to my dad in 2008, Will the Banks Collapse?, Is my money safe in the bank? Yes, even during a recession, Will coronavirus lead to a wave of bank failures?, Bank Failure and What Happens to Your Money, Too Big to Fail, The Big Short, Inside Job, the fact that Pentagon Documents Reveal The U.S. Has Planned For A Bitcoin Rebellion, 5 Stablecoins to Watch in the 2020 DeFi Renaissance, DeFi, Decentralized Finance, A Beginner’s Guide to Decentralized Finance (DeFi), US dollar's reserve currency status at risk, but what does that mean for Bitcoin?, The ‘reserve currency’ myth: The US dollar’s current and future role in the world economy, A Primer On Reserve Currencies, The US Dollar has Failed as a Reserve Currency, The risks are rising that the dollar could lose its special global standing, US Worried Crypto Could Undermine Dollar as World Reserve Currency, Hiring Researchers to Prepare Response, The Future of a Global Digital Reserve Currency, Bitcoin Won't Be a Global Reserve Currency. But It's Opening the Box, Op-ed: Bitcoin has never been closer to becoming a global reserve currency, here's why, The Need for a New Reserve Currency Is More Prevalent Than Ever Before, Could Bitcoin Replace The US Dollar As A Reserve Currency?, Bitcoin to be 6th largest reserve currency by 2030: Research, Frances Coppola: Stablecoins Are Built on Smoke and Mirrors – CoinDesk, CRYPTOTAG – Zeus, Hustlers: The Real Story Behind the Movie, Uncut Gems, This Crisis Has Exposed the Absurdities of Neoliberalism. That Doesn’t Mean It’ll Destroy It,

Coronavirus, Racism and Injustice: No One Is Coming to Save Us, the fact that a boot is crushing the neck of American democracy, the fact that protests can function as cop fundraisers, bailout funds, the fact that Freedom Should Be Free, the fact that bailout funds are vitally important, paradox, the fact that critiquing the violence of these protests ignores the violence of police brutality, of American military imperialism, of the 'successful' riots of 1968, ⁠the moral force of violence and the limits of reform, How to Be an Antiracist: Ibram X. Kendi on Why We Need to Fight Racism the Way We Fight Cancer, How to Be an Antiracist by Ibram X Kendi, Fighting Racism Even, and Especially, Where We Don’t Realize It Exists, An Essential Reading Guide For Fighting Racism, read read read, educate educate educate, When black people are in pain, white people just join book clubs, radical change? how? where? radical self-reflection and critique? accountability? interpersonal community building and conflict resolution?, race war, civil war, the fact that non-violent protests got us to where we are today, a caste system in India and a racist president in the United States, the fact that Even with a Harvard pedigree, caste follows ‘like a shadow’, Wherever Suraj Goes, His Caste Follows, Climate change: I work in the environmental movement. I don’t care if you recycle., Dear White People, This is What We Want You to Do, “I want you to remember George Floyd when you vote in November,” Joe Biden, Van Jones: It's not the white racists we have to worry about, the fact that “CNN's Van Jones says that the black community is tired of hearing empty promises of change and that they should be more worried about 'the white liberal hillary linton supporter' than a white racist,” “throughout the Weimar era the Communist Party of Germany (KPD) regarded the centre-left Social Democratic Party (SPD) as its main adversary; the KPD considered the SPD to be 'social fascists' based on a theory proclaimed by Stalin and supported by the Comintern in the early 1930s, according to which social democracy was a variant of fascism, and even more dangerous and insidious than open fascism,” Antifa (Germany) – Wikipedia, Attempting the Impossible – Calculating Capitalism’s Death Toll – Guerrilla Ontology, Condemn communists’ cruelties, but capitalism has its own terrible record, Mike Davis on the Crimes of Socialism and Capitalism, If Communism Killed Millions, How Many Did Capitalism Kill?, Neoliberalism Kills: Part One, I made a post that can be linked to whenever someone spouts thd “100 million dead” and “capitalism is the best we got” line. Linked it here cause for some reason it doesnt show up. : Anarchism, Death Toll Of Capitalism. If you vote this up, it will show up on Google Images when people Google search Death Toll Of Capitalism. : LateStageCapitalism, CAPITALISM KILLS OVER 20 MILLION A YEAR : LateStageCapitalism, Capitalism kills : LateStageCapitalism, What is capitalism's death toll and what is communism's death toll? – Quora, [MIRROR] Calculating Capitalism s Death Toll by BadMouseProductions – YouTube, How many people died because of capitalism? – Quora, Socialism vs capitalism death toll | by Alexander Finnegan | Medium, Deconstructing the “death toll of capitalism” : CapitalismVSocialism, the fact that Van Jones was the commencement speaker at my graduation, “pessimism of the intellect, optimism of the will,” On Black Pessimism and George Floyd, the fact that “the black conspiracist’s imagination is a perfectly refined pessimism, one that offends liberal hopes for social progress,” Even when optimism has been lost, hope has a role to play, Pope: Pull Together, Avoid Pessimism in This Coronavirus Era, the fact that Noam Chomsky says that “There Are Reasons for Optimism”, George Floyd protests: America is at a 'turning point', philosopher Cornel West says, “When will it end? When will the tipping point come and the script change? Mothers in Atlanta will advise against holding your breath,” “We are witnessing America as a failed social experiment” – Dr. Cornel West, Police Abolition — CALL YOUR GIRLFRIEND, Stacey Abrams: I Know Voting Feels Inadequate Right Now, the fact that i feel this pressure to feel white liberal optimism and i dont feel like I have the right to feel black pessimism, black hope, black optimism, Opinion | Black Lives Matter Is Winning – The New York Times, Poll: Black Americans outraged by George Floyd’s death, but optimistic about change after nationwide protests – The Washington Post, It Was More Than a Notion, “There is a palpable poverty of intellect, a lack of imagination, and a banality of ideas pervading mainstream politics today,” How Do We Change America?, the fact that “there is a tremendous gap between our capacity to articulate a case for a different world and the ability to make it matter to the unpersuaded”, the fact that Black Squares Don't Save Black Lives, Scaffolded Anti-Racist Resources – Google Docs, The 7 Circles of Whiteness, the fact that I'm not sure how to reconcile my anxiety with the notion of being a “needy ally,” VICE – Perfectionism Is a Mental Illness and It's Ruining My Life, the fact that I acknowledge that the idea of perfectionism as “ruining my life” feels quite hyperbolic and disproportionate in the context of discussing white supremacy, VICE – There Are at Least Two Types of Perfectionists, the fact that I identify with multiple circles, the fact that adrienne marie brown has a word for white people, in two parts, Summary of Stages of Racial Identity Development,

the fact that i think depression can be (problematically) portrayed/perceived as cool and edgy, the fact that its not cool and edgy, the fact that it sucks, the fact that anxiety is often portrayed/perceived as awkward, uncool, paranoid, the fact that lame is ableist language, ‘Lame,’ ‘stand up’ and other words we use to insult the disabled without even knowing it, the fact that some accepting and inclusive spaces can also be kind of like not fun like not cool in a way, like awkward or stiff, planned programming, forced community, community-building, community center, the fact that i also think I've internalized really problematic perceptions around the aesthetics and value of people, spaces, conversations that are colonialist, white supremacist, classist, the fact that i remember being so judgmental of my extended family gatherings in Orlando, the fact that 'cool' or hip spaces can be so shitty and just like empty, the fact that i'm not sure how to balance these tensions, the fact that i went to this halloween party in palo alto last year (2019) and there was a chill (?) room upstairs (that wasn't what it was called, i forget, a quiet room maybe) for people to go and relax and hang if they were feeling overwhelmed, the fact that every party should have that, the fact that World of Warcraft is real life, the fact that I used to play it for hours as a teenager and just dissociate from the physical world and my physical needs, the fact that my parents used to say it was a waste of time, the grind, leveling up, the creation of meaning for the pursuit of substanceless goals, dissociation from the real world, Why is organizing so common and fun in video games?, the fact that ann cvetkovich talks about anxiety-induced depression but i think i have depression-induced anxiety, the fact that i'm constantly doing things which prevents me from feeling empty and lost, the fact that bird noises keep me from sleeping, insomnia, the fact that i wonder if birds have to worry about blue light as well, that environmental psychology article that Randy sent me, the app f.lux, Pastoral Living in Stardew Valley: Mesmerized by an Online Game, Depressed and Anxious? These Video Games Want to Help, For the Uninitiated and Bored, an Introduction to the World of Gaming, Chill out: a new wave of relaxing video games shows there's more to them than violence, And relax … the joy of video games where you do almost nothing, How to re-discover video games as a bored grownup, Love bytes: how a video game is preparing my boyfriend and me for living together, This Dreams remake of the Stardew Valley town is beautiful, the fact that I grew up on pixel art, the fact that I think that Stardew Valley represents a white idealized return to the land that is absent of history, erasure, excoticized forest spirituality and white small-town community, virtual reality, video games, the fact that the economic system of Stardew Valley is capitalism but housing is a right, the fact that prices are stable, lack of complexity, In Over Our Heads, the fact that Stardew Valley is more a critique of workaholism and complexity than it is capitalism or anything else, Office Space’s Neoliberal Workplace Has Only Gotten Worse, When Capitalists Build Too Much, Back-to-the-land movement – Wikipedia, Back to the land: are young farmers the new starving artists?, A growing number of young Americans are leaving desk jobs to farm, The Rise of the Rural Millennial, Homesteading Today: Living on Free Land, The Wild Route: Leaving Society, Seeking Happiness , The PlayStation Dreamworld, the fact that, according to some, Stardew Valley is a welcome break from the chaos of the world, the fact that ‘The Last of Us Part II’ Is a Dark Game for a Dark Time

the fact that the eight-hour day movement had its own song:

We mean to make things over; we're tired of toil for naught but bare enough to live on: never an hour for thought.

We want to feel the sunshine; we want to smell the flowers; We're sure that God has willed it, and we mean to have eight hours.

We're summoning our forces from shipyard, shop and mill: Eight hours for work, eight hours for rest, eight hours for what we will!

live work play, ♫ “Where Do the Children Play?” ♫, the fact that the best part about college was communal play, and the fact that my community existed (even thrived) without dependence on technology or travel, major cities, smaller cities, the fact that rural areas feel like a retreat or isolation, the fact that i'm not sure where the fuck one can play nowadays, 8 hours for work, 8 hours for life, 8 hours for play, the fact that i wonder how long it takes to do each thing, the fact that i began this process by searching for “how long are you supposed to brush your teeth” at 6:28pm, the fact that it is now 7:50pm, the fact that communal living can reduce the amount of time spent on daily chores and life maintenance activities (the “live” of live, work, play),

activity low average (hours high average (hours)
sleep 7 9
cooking & cleaning 2 3
exercise 0.5 0.5
meditate 10/60 20/60
answer emails
shower 5/60 10/60
brush teeth 4/60 4/60
pee 2/60 3/60
poop 4.3/60 0.5
wash hands 3.22/60 5/60
buy groceries 10/60 20/60
laundry 4/60 4/60
commute 0.25 0.5
cleaning 10/60 29/60
total “live” 9.75 13.5
work (weekend) 5.4 5.4
work (weekday 8.5 8.5
total “live” + work (weekend) 15.15 18.9
total “live” + work (weekday) 18.25 22
time left (weekend) 8.85 5.1
time left (weekday) 5.75 2

work (34.4 per week, / 7 = 4.91; average hours per day worked on weekdays = 8.5, average hours per day worked on weekend =5.4 hours), What is the Average Hours Per Week Worked in the US?, Average hours employed people spent working on days worked by day of week, A brief history of the 8-hour workday, which changed how Americans work, The U.S. is the Most Overworked Developed Nation in the World, New Report Confirms Just How Shitty US Workers Have It, sleep (7-9 hours), How much sleep do we really need?, cook and clean and eat, 2-3 hours, Guess How Much Time You Spend Eating on an Average Day, Americans Cook the Least, Eat the Fastest, Americans Spend an Average of 37 Minutes a Day Preparing and Serving Food and Cleaning Up, Number of hours spent cooking per week among consumers worldwide as of June 2014, by country, How Much Time Do Americans Spend on Food?, exercise, 30 minutes a day, How much should the average adult exercise every day?, How much exercise do you need?, meditate (10-20 minutes a day), How Long Should I Meditate?, How long should I meditate each day?, answer emails, 1 hour (conservative estimate), The cost of email interruption, U.S. Employees Spend 209 Minutes a Day on Work Emails, Data Shows, You spend 5 hours per day looking at your emails, How to Spend Way Less Time on Email Every Day, Here’s how many hours American workers spend on email each day, How much time are you spending on email?, getting dressed for exercise, shower, (5 minutes, once, every other day, or 10 minutes, once a day), the fact that i definitely have been known to taking showers longer than 10 minutes but we wouldn't want people thinking i waste water, How Often Should You Shower?, You Don't Have to Shower Every Day, Dermatologists Say, Showering daily — is it necessary?, brush teeth, 4 min (2 min, twice a day, morning and night), use the bathroom, pee (6-8 times per day, 20 seconds each, 2-3 minutes), Quiz: Is My Pee Normal? Test Your Urine Knowledge, How long does it take to pee? Harvard's Ig Nobel Prize honours the year in wacky research, poop (3-21 times per week / 7 = .43-3 times a day, 5 minutes a poop, 5 minutes a wipe = 4.3-30 minutes per day), the fact that “the average mammal — regardless of size — takes just 12 seconds to poop,” the fact that i really doubt that #, the fact that some people must have rocket poops, the fact i'd like to live a little geez, the fact that 12 seconds per poop is textbook rushing life, savor the small moments, The 'Three and Three' Rule of Pooping Tells You If You're Normal or Not, Here’s How Long It Should Really Take You to Poop, The Healthiest Way to Wipe Your Butt, wash hands (30 seconds x (6.43-11) = 3.22-5 minutes ), Show Me the Science – How to Wash Your Hands, buy groceries 10-20 minutes (60-130 hours a year, divided by 365), go to the grocery store, go home from the grocery store, put away the groceries, 7 Facts about Grocery Shopping that Might Shock You, 3 Grocery Shopping Habits That Are Costing Everyone Time and Money, Grocery Shopping Statistics: 23 Fun Size Facts to Know, How much time do you really spend grocery shopping?, The Average Worker Spends 51 Percent of Each Workday on These 3 Unnecessary Tasks, do laundry (4-17 minutes per day), How Much Time Do You Spend Doing Laundry?, By The Numbers: How Much Time We Spend Doing The Laundry, HOW MUCH TIME DO YOU SPEND DOING LAUNDRY?, How Long Does It Take To Do Laundry? (Complete Guide), Charts by Topic: Household activities, How the World Does Laundry, get dressed for the day (17 minutes a day), Never Be Late Again! Study Uncovers How Long It Takes To Get Dressed, The morning routine: 30% spend over a week in getting ready each year, put on shoes, brush, shave, put on make-up, commute (15-30 minutes, twice a day, 1 hour a day), These are the states with the longest and shortest commutes — how does yours stack up?, logistics, plan, look places up, schedule, google maps, wait in line, clean living space (10-29 minutes per day), clean car, take car to the shop, We've Broken Down Your Entire Life Into Years Spent Doing Tasks, How Much Time People Spend Doing Stuff In Their Lifetime, Your Life In Numbers, the fact that to get all of this stuff done you'd have to be a coke-ambien/adderall-xanax robot, coke or adderall to get it all done, ambien or xanax to fall asleep at night, the fact that im not sure when i'm supposed to socialize, go to the park, make art, do drugs, drink alcohol, dance, read, watch TV, writing, have a picnic, go on dates, have emotional breakdowns, volunteer, organize, When Labor Day Meant Something: Remembering the radical past of a day now devoted to picnics and back-to-school sales, support my friends and loved ones, go biking, conversations, texting, in person converstions, phone conversations, job, life's work, utopia of daily life, You Don’t Want Hygge. You Want Social Democracy., Inventing the Weekend, The Overworked American, Liberation Through Vacation, Time Is Political, Working for the Weekend, The Fight for Free Time, More Free Time — for Everyone, Germany’s 28-Hour Workweek, Living, Not Just Surviving, Caring in the City, Palaces for the People, public space, the time to enjoy public space, the comfort to, the safety, the money, the ability, Your hygge-obsession is weird and misunderstood, please stop, The hygge conspiracyHygge – Wikipedia, Gemütlichkeit – Wikipedia, Gezelligheid – Wikipedia, american anxiety, housing crisis, trump for president, white nationalists, terrorism (predominantly white young men), war, gun violence, theft, cancel culture, the american dream, magical voluntarism, the myth of the american dream, pull yourself up by your boostraps, The politics of depression: Mark Fisher on mental health and class confidence, Seize the Hamptons, Time After Capitalism, Quarantine Journal, from “When Spring Comes”:

What is it we want from life? What do we truly need? What is the world we want to live in? Do we want to service a capitalist machine that never lets us rest, never allows us to stay idle for a second and spend time with our families at home, except when it accidentally breaks down? Does that machine—a machine that feeds on the exploitation of our labor, on mindless consumerism, on the destruction of the natural environment, on the suffering of humans and fellow animals alike—deserve to be repaired? Do we want our children to keep servicing that same machine? Is our past the future we really want for them?

What do we plan to do when spring comes back around?

Killing Time, “The Concept of Work”, “Essential Services”, “Disappearing Problems”, “vital professions,” “essential services,” On The Irony of the Essential Worker – Four Fourths, Lost and the nostalgia of forced community, lack of paradox of choice, necessity, essential services,

Before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood, carry water.

Velvet Buzzsaw, take out the trash, sanitation workers, the fact that Quarantine Fatigue Is Real. Shaming People Won't Help, During Coronavirus, Is ‘Wellness’ Just Being Well-off?,

the fact that it constantly feels like I have something to do, google keep, Google drive, Google docs, google sheets, Gmail, Asana, to do list apps, Bullet Journal, responding to texts, calling friends, calling family, spending time with people, feeding myself, drinking water, using the bathroom, brushing my teeth, exercising, meditation, apply for jobs, the fact that i really shouldn't be looking at job search sites at night, the fact that it's no wonder that i have insomnia, writing, mental health, therapy, news & journalism, nonprofit & philanthropy, Against Productivity in a Pandemic, The Slackification of the American Home, the fact that I have to create lists of all my friends or I forget about them, the fact that I don't think this says much about my friendships or the depth of my friendships, the fact that I think it's reflective of the times we live in, distraction, anxiety, dissociation, the fact that I wasn't meant to remember so many things, the fact that I can barely remember all of my daily tasks or essential life maintenance activities and to do that I need a planner, the fact that we were meant to live lives of necessity, the fact that we aren't meant to live lives of anxiety and planning, virtual realities, the fact that my friends are mostly virtual in this moment, none of them are in front of me, none of them are within earshot, I can't touch any by of them by reaching my hand out or hugging them or hear their laughter or see their smile or the clothes they're wearing, they essentially don't exist, the present moment, campus life, bumping into people, the deece, drunk deece, the fact that i wrote this before covid19, social distancing, quarantine,

the fact that the slower anxious pace of grocery stores nowadays kinda feels great to me, the fact that the collective anxiety in this moment feels kinda validating and calming, the fact that i feel less isolated in my anxiety, the fact that there should be a name for driving-next-to-a-truck anxiety, the fact that i almost had a heart attack, a semi truck not just a pickup truck, the fact that the coronavirus pandemic has an unofficial film in Spain, the fact that If You Have Anxiety and Depression but Feel Better During Coronavirus, You’re Not Alone, The other epidemic: how coronavirus triggered a surge in mental illness, the fact that We are the hollow men: The worldwide epidemic of mental illness, psychiatric and behavioral emergencies, and its impact on patients and providers,

the fact that i'm not sure if i want this job in portland or not, the fact that its hard for me to think about committing 2 years of my life to something i know will make me a certain kind of miserable, 40 hour work weeks, 9 to 5, clinical psych research, commuting, the fact that commuting in sf would probably be a lot worse, the fact that rent is more in sf, the fact that i want a break from the physical pain and emotional stress of living in a van, the fact that if i wanted a job job then this is likely the job i would pursue, the fact that academia and research seem really isolating, the fact that at least in grad school i'd be immersed in a community of peers, the fact that i would love some more financial security, the fact that i could save up money if i had this job probably, the fact that i'm not sure i even want to do clinical psych research tho, the fact that i haven't even applied to the job, the fact that i'm confident i'd be a strong applicant, the fact that im pretty disillusioned with psychedelic therapies, the fact that im not disillusioned with psychedelics, the fact that i dont think i want to live in the US, the fact that i don't speak any other languages, the fact that i think its pretty fucked up that learning another language really isn't stressed in US education, the fact that i think i'd like to travel to central or south america, the fact that i dont want to be just another white tourist, spiritual extractivism, the fact that i'm curious how genderqueerness and masculinity exist in central and south america, the fact that i'm curious how genderqueerness and masculinity exist in berlin, the fact there are certain qualities that i look for in a place, good weather, sunlight, progressive politics, groundedness (vs. new age spiritual bs), intellectualism, work-life balance, queer friendly, good public transportation, bike accessible, Powell's, Chinese garden, rose garden, Japanese garden, Mother Foucault, cheap eats, mental health think tank, the fact that i need to remember to reach out to Colin (Sarah's former partner) about his friend Michael, the fact that my body hurts, the fact that im worried about my finances, the fact that i've had to spend thousands of dollars on van repairs, the fact that i haven't been sleeping well, the fact that many of my friendships are dormant, the fact that i don't know where I'm going or what im doing with my life, yay, the fact that grizzly peak vista point, frowning ridge, and grizzly peak blvd overlook are all great spots in Berkeley to park my van overnight,

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