about

the fact that this is a blog that is a public memoir about my anxiety, the fact that this blog is an attempt to creatively engage, express, articulate, make sense of my anxiety in the spirit of the “Public Feelings Project,” a project that I admire but certainly do not claim to be a part of, the fact that through this blog I try to articulate my experience of anxiety as well as its nature as a sociocultural condition with political roots and treatments, the fact that this blog is about the things that make me anxious and the way my anxiety feels, the fact that many of these entries aren't a direct description or reflection on the experience of anxiety but rather an illustration of what my anxious mind feels and looks like: racing thoughts, internet rabbit holes, insomnia, obsessive note taking, overwhelming connections, incessant critique, excessive information, the fact that i also reflect on the sources of my anxiety including but not limited to social anxiety, financial anxiety, the state of the world, Trump as our president, the incapacity of politics to radically change anything (see 'political depression'), housing crisis, late capitalism, student debt crisis, masculinity, queer gatekeeping, impact over intent, transportation crisis, the stress of public transportation, the stress of private transportation, bills, everyday tasks, drinking enough water, brushing my teeth, getting enough sleep, eating healthy, the decline of public spaces, wealth inequality, my physical safety, my emotional health, my impact on others, my ego, profits over people, white supremacy, heteronormativity, ableism, individualism, the fact that I disagree with individual pathology models of clinical psychology that locate mental illness as dysfunction or disability within the individual, the fact that I draw upon critical disability studies to understand my experience of anxiety, the fact that this blog is inspired by Ducks, Newburyport by Lucy Ellmann (particularly the writing style), Depression: a public feeling by Ann Cvetkovich, and “We Are All Very Anxious” by the Institute for Precarious Consciousness, the fact that I also appreciate this article titled “We Are All Very Bad Materialists” which is a critique of that last article, the fact that “elevating affect to the level of social cause is a sure sign of middle-class bias,” comfort zone, The Danger of White Comfort, What Men Say About #MeToo in Therapy, Do Psychedelic Drug Laws Violate Human Rights?, cognitive liberty, #BlackLivesMatter, the fact that i also enjoyed reading Notes on a Nervous Planet by Matt Haig, the fact that “Haig is not claiming that life is measurably harder than ever for middle-class people in developed countries today – though occasionally he appears to come close to it” (The Guardian), the fact that “with anxiety you feel like you’ve got such intensity inside you, that if you left it, you would go mad,” the fact that “writing is a place where you can park it without your head exploding” (source), ♫ All I gotta do / Is just learn to chill out ... Things I can't explain / Are now haunting my mind / Giving into the braindrain / Until the end of our time ... Making room for the braindrain / When it's out of control ♫, the fact that anxious people also get anxious from relaxing, ♫ i never been satisfied, that can't make me satisfied, satisfied ♫, the fact that this blog is an attempt at Ann Cvetkovich's search for

forms of testimony that can mediate between the personal and the social, that can explain why we live in a culture whose violence takes the form of systematically making us feel bad, Ideally, I'd like those forms of testimony to offer some clues about how to survive those conditions and even to change them, but I'd also settle for a compelling description, one that doesn't reduce lived experience to a list of symptoms and one that provides a forum for feelings that, despite a widespread therapeutic culture, still haven't gone public enough (Depression: a public feeling p. 15),

the fact that being vulnerable about my anxiety produces so much anxiety, witness me, the fact that this is an exercise in vulnerability, the fact that maybe i should be censoring myself here more though, the fact that maybe this is an arena for growth and constructive criticism, the fact that i dont want to be alone with my thoughts, the fact that some of my thoughts might make people feel uncomfortable or triggered, the fact that some of my thoughts might be microagressions, the fact that i want to be called in, the fact that i want to listen and grow, not react and engage in self-defense, the fact that actions speak louder than words,

the fact that this blog includes topics including but not limited to:

age of information, monkey mind, paradox of choice, saturated self, Do I contradict myself? / Very well then I contradict myself, / (I am large, I contain multitudes), Buddhist non-self, Identity and Selflessness in Buddhism: No Self or True Self?, Personality is not only about who but also where you are, role strain, individualism, California, “I'm a citizen of the universe,” Steven Universe, Exiting the Vampire Castle, privilege, accountability, call-out culture, cancel culture, abolition, love, self-acceptance, intersectionality, praxis, action, critical theory, critical, validation, gaslighting, problematic, whiteness, masculinity, genderqueer, housing crisis, milennials, Gen Z, tech, voluntary simplicity, #vanlife, crystal girls, New Age spirituality, dystopia, substance use, drug policy, 'addiction,' psychedelics, drugs, consumption, Amazon, Amazon Prime, The Declaration of Yarinochoca, food, nutrition, exercise, sleep, insomnia, hypersomnia, laziness, The Right to Be Lazy, escapism, entertainment, self-care, exhaustion, isolation, loneliness, community, hydration, Are You Drinking Enough Water?, the 8 cups a day myth, multivitamins, holistic health, mind-body-spirit, individualism, co-ops, cops, socialism, fascism, anarchy, communalism, Murray Bookchin, Radical Dharma, We've Had 100 Years of Psychotherapy and the World is Getting Worse, “These are the times that grow our souls,” affluenza, rose gold, nose piercing, eyebrow piercing, iridescent, tie-dye, bikes, vintage bikes, Bicycle Day, the Bay Area, the Sunrise Movement vs. the Sunrise Ceremony, @browngirl_green, toxic, toxicity, “The Indoor Generation,” Let Nature Back Into Your Home,” The Nature Fix, “I just want everybody to have a good time,” “Reality's tight if the music is right,” VICE, Vice, Viceland, vices, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Sean (1970), Following Sean, Boyhood, thrift stores, vintage, mindfulness, mindful sex, McMindfulness, mindful partying, harm reduction, cliques, social exclusion, loneliness, insecurity, depression, Depression: a public feeling, meaning, quality of life, getting back to the land, getting your hands dirty, jobs, dirty jobs, Mike Rowe, bullshit jobs, career, Do I want a career?, healthcare, stability, purpose. PURPOSE. commuting, rat race, traffic, noise pollution, stress, the fact that noise pollution is considered by some to be the most pervasive pollutant and contributes to chronic health conditions (like stress) and therefore reduced lifespans, Europe is particularly bad in this regard, Berlin, polyamory, Kalu Yala, crystal girls, Coachella, Amsterdam, practicality, bureaucracy, the role of art in capitalist societies, finger on the pulse, collage, Warren Neidich's Statisticon Neon,

Warren Neidich's Statisticon Neon

John Berger's Ways of Seeing, the obscene juxtaposition of consumer advertising and horrific news, Mad Men, visas, In Over Our Heads, sex, STIs, condoms, lube, pregnancy prevention, feminism, patriarchy, the fact that birth control methods have been invented by men but are meant for women, Am I Queer Enough?, How do I know if I'm non-binary?, masc, femme, beer, beer pong, drinking games, kings cup, college, OK BOOMER, “Are you okay Boomer?,” liberal arts, out-of-touch, sensitive, well which one is it?, Android or Apple?, Amazon’s 1-day shipping is convenient — and terrible for the environment, Jeff Bezos, Bill Gates, Elon Musk, George Soros, the rich, class solidarity, George H. W. Bush, Barack Obama, Ellen Degeneres, nostalgia, whitewashing, fake news, Donald Trump, WWOOF, New Zealand, Australia, permaculture, sustainability, farming, organic, the lost generation, collapse, late stage capitalism, ‘There’s something terribly wrong’: Americans are dying young at alarming rates, The Empty Promise of Suicide Prevention, the fact that Ben worked on a suicide hotline, the fact that they said that validating people's suicidal ideations is important and also truthful, the fact that there might be legitimate reasons why people want to end their lives, the fact that there are also might be reasons to keep living, the fact that publishing (in the sense of publicly writing) those last two sentences gives me anxiety, Can a Trip-Free Psychedelic Still Help People With Depression?, His Dark Materials, “'the depressive,' Fisher writes, is one who is 'totally dislocated from the world'—who does not labor under the fantasy that 'there is some home within the current order that can still be preserved and defended'”, the fact that Vonnegut said that home is in the past and cannot be found again, “where is home? I've wondered where home is, and I realized, it's not Mars or someplace like that, it's Indianapolis when I was nine years old, I had a brother and a sister, a cat and a dog, and a mother and a father and uncles and aunts, And there's no way I can get there again,” Mark Fisher’s “K-Punk” and the Futures That Have Never Arrived, Our Town, “Oh, earth, you're too wonderful for anybody to realize you,” Homesick for Another World, r/IWantOut, “the cost of sanity in this society is a certain level of alienation” (Terence McKenna), This Is Water, water rights, composting, sustainability, flexitarian diet, farmers markets, farmhand, left, right, ambidextrous, amphibian, amputate, the fact that people used to amputate limbs willy nilly to prevent death and infection, community markets, EBT, food stamps, welfare, gardening, fare, fare evasion, jumping, skipping, dodging, draft dodging, war, Eternal Void Coalition, fantasy name generator, Post-apocalyptic society name generator, False Prophet Federation, Trump's America, ownership, deeds, titles, Schitt$ Creek, Generation Wealth, Hillbilly Elegy, “I want a president” by Zoe Leonard, “what's that from?”, cultural relevance, social capital, respectability politics, How To Tell The Rebels Have Won, We Are Not the Resistance, the fact that i think i want to be a therapist but i strongly resonate with the views expressed by James Hillman and Michael Ventura in We've Had 100 Years of Psychotherapy — And the World's Getting Worse:

There is a decline in the political sense. No sensitivity to the real issues. Why are the intelligent people — at least among the white middle class — so passive now? Why? Because the sensitive, intelligent people are in therapy! (p. 5),

Every time we try to deal with our outrage over the freeway, our misery over the office and the lighting and the crappy furniture, the crime on the streets, whatever — every time we try to deal with that by going to therapy with our rage and fear, we’re depriving the political world of something. And therapy, in its crazy way, by emphasizing the inner soul and ignoring the outer soul, supports the decline of the actual world. Yet therapy goes on blindly believing that it’s curing the outer world by making better people. We’ve had that for years and years: ‘If everybody went into therapy we’d have better buildings, we’d have better people, we’d have more consciousness.’ It’s not the case. (p. 5),

In a world where most people do work that is not only unsatisfying but also, with its pressures, deeply unsettling; and in a world where there’s nothing more rare than a place that feels like a community, we load all our needs onto a relationship or expect them to be met by our family. And then we wonder why our relationships and family crack under the load (p. 13),

The neglect of the environment, the body of the world, is part and parcel of our personal ‘insanity.’ The world’s body must be restored to health, for in that body is also the world’s soul. I don’t think spiritual disciplines take the world enough into account; they’re always set on transcending, that is, denying it with spiritual practices (p. 52),

And I said to my son, if you wanted to volunteer for fascinating, dangerous, necessary work, this would be a great job to volunteer for — trying to be a wide-awake human during a Dark Age and keeping alive what you think is beautiful and important (p. 239),

the fact that it's hard to show up when you're depressed or have crippling anxiety, panic attacks, “love and justice are not two. Without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters” (Rev. angel Kyodo williams), the fact that maybe i'd rather be a social worker, the fact that I don't think I'm well adjusted enough to be a therapist (or a social worker),

The repressive atmosphere of therapy ... dictates psychology has to be respectable. This produces a terrible repression of the actual psychologist. We’re not allowed in the street. We have to be careful, pretty correct, not extreme or radical, and not mix it up with our clients and patients out in the world. And this slants our thinking toward white, middle-class psychology … ‘The trouble with getting old as a therapist is that I can’t grow into my eccentricity.’ Because what’s expected of a therapist is regular hours, being on time, being a kind of square, reasonable person. The therapist is unconsciously modeling the goal of therapy (p. 35),

Timothy Leary, Unitarian Universalist, A World Without Pain, Every Feeling by Ezra Furman, the fact that I did an independent study over the summer titled “Developing a Politics of Consciousness,” How We Came to Live in “Cursed Times”, “but it is hard—given the sheer extent of what is crumbling around us, and also the natural limits of our individual scopes of vision—to take in the fullness of contemporary cursedness all at once. It’s easier, perhaps, to see dread in individual objects,” @dustycohen, 'I Believe in Love': Elizabeth Wurtzel's Final Year, In Her Own Words', The Gospel According to Mark Fisher, capitalist realism, depressive realism, ♫ Angry weather in my head / Angry weather in my head / Angry weather in my head ♫, How to Harness the Power of Your Pessimism, “what if reality truly sucks and, while depressed, we lose the very illusions that help us to not realise this?”, utopia of daily life, embracing mediocrity, the fact that Jasmine says that western philosophy is alienating, the ABC's of western discontent, absurdism, alienation, angst, anhedonia, anomie, anxiety, boredom, cultural malaise, demoralization, depression, despair, discontent, disillusionment, dissociation, ennui, estrangement, existentialism, isolation, loneliness, nihilism, spiritual depravity, weltschmerz, the demoralized mind, Could Be the Thyroid; Could Be Ennui. Either Way, the Drug Isn’t Helping., Pleasure Activism, collective joy, collective duty, communal living, cooking, eating, sleeping, fucking, riding bikes, the sun, laughter, art as sublimation, the fact that i'm not sure why the transference of an excess of consciousness into art and literature is bad, the fact that it can be overwhelming actually, Philip K. Dick, Philip K. Dick and the Fake Humans, Cruel Optimism, the Anthropocene epoch, Anthropocene: The Human Epoch, The dark side of the Anthropocene, Western liberal narratives of progress, technology, Mental Health and Wellbeing in the Anthropocene: A Posthuman Inquiry, embracing mediocrity, the utopia of daily life, the Fermi paradox, The Great Filter, ♫ There's a starman waiting in the sky / He's told us not to blow it / Cause he knows it's all worthwhile ♫, abiogenesis, Alone in a Crowded Milky Way, climate change, intergroup conflict, conflict resolution, A Conflict-Resolution Expert on Whether Political and Racial Dialogue Have Value in the Trump Era, Xenophobic one minute, tolerant the next: humans are strange primates, The Media Scolds Marianne Williamson (And Gets It Wrong), We Must Hear Marianne Williamson’s Message About the Overuse of Antidepressants, 1 in 6 Americans Takes a Psychiatric Drug, The Age of American Despair, Marianne Williamson Wants Politics to Enter the New Age, Marianne Williamson’s Esprit De Orb Corps, Marianne Williamson Has a Plan for That, The Gospel According to Marianne Williamson, The Curious Mystical Text Behind Marianne Williamson's Presidential Bid, Marianne Williamson Knows How to Beat Trump, The Meaning of Marianne Williamson, “there’s more in heaven and earth than what’s dreamed of by normal politicians,” the fact that Shakespeare wrote in Hamlet, “there are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy,” myopia, Acid Communism, What is Acid Corbynism?, Living, Not Just Surviving, “pink collar” labor, Ironic Occultists for Marianne Williamson, The Dystopic Leftist Youth of Reddit and Facebook, ‘I Should Be More Careful With Twitter’: Marianne Williamson on Those Mental Health Comments, The New Spiritual Consumerism, Cutting Through Spiritual Materialism, Psychology's power tools, Psychotherapy is not harmless: on the side effects of CBT, Is philosophy therapy, or is it simply a search for truth?, Their good life, Psyche, Anxy, ecotopia, mobile homes, Trailer Park Boys, voluntary simplicity, The Underestimation of Politics in Green Utopias: The Description of Politics in Huxley's Island, Le Guin's The Dispossessed, and Callenbach's Ecotopia, From Fantasy to Fact : Ernest Callenbach’s Little Ecology Novel Proved Amazingly Prophetic, The Life and Death of a ‘Cool’ City, the fact that Marianne Williamson had to publicly declare that she is not a crystal girl, Marianne Williamson: I'm not some 'crystal woo-woo lady' people on the 'left' say I am, the fact that my friends think of me as a crystal girl, nonbinary energy person, the fact that I find this scale of David Hawkins' Map of Consciousness absolutely hilarious and terribly problematic, New Age spirituality, A Cynic's Search for the Truth About Healing Crystals, Crystals, potions and tarot cards: the mystical rise of new age businesses, I Asked a Milennial Expert If Our Generation Is Doomed, Millennials are filling their homes — and the void in their hearts — with houseplants, the fact that i'm pretty turned off by most job opportunities for doing research, the fact that academia seems largely a practice of inaccessibility, self-justification, and hegemony, the Ivory Tower, community psychology, critical psychology, RadPsyNet, Enlightenment rationality is not enough: we need a new Romanticism, the fact that psychedelics can be tools of enchantment but are being co-opted by 'science,' “The mushroom hunters”, Fantastic Fungi, Eureka, Wild Wild Country, “jump into all the rabbit holes you want—just don't expect to find Wonderland” (WIRED), mental health as apolitical, Depressed by Politics? Just Let Go, the fact that psychedelics create a false sense of hope, political depression, depressive realism, Can't Catch a Break: Gender, Jail, Drugs, and the Limits of Personal Responsibility, the fact that the authors in that book note that for homeless women with PTSD the responses of anxiety and fear are behaviors of survival rather than maladpted responses indicative of individual illness, Catch Me If You Can with Leonardo DiCaprio, the fact that a sense of hope can distract people from the reality that our current system is fucked, that things aren't changing, and that psychedelic therapies likely won't change much, What if We Stopped Pretending the Climate Apocalypse Can Be Stopped?, What If We Stopped Pretending Articles Like This Are Helpful? The climate apocalypse is coming, only if we refuse to act. To prevent it, we need to take global-scale action. A rebuttal to Jonathan Franzen's terrible article in the New Yorker., the fact that change is often not about willpower but about perspective, humility, love, acceptance, the fact that W.H. Auden said, in the Age of Anxiety:

We would rather be ruined than changed We would rather die in our dread Than climb the cross of the moment And let our illusions die,

Do You Live in The Age of Dissociation?, the fact that conceptualizing solutions as a matter of willpower feels very in line with Western narratives of linear progress, the fact that it also feels very masculine to me, Nike's “Just Do It,” How to Do Nothing, The controversy over Jonathan Franzen’s climate change opinions, explained, political depression, the fact that I think Franzen's comments should not be taken as representative scientific consensus or as direction for political agenda, but the fact that I think we should take Franzen's perspective very seriously as an expression of public feeilngs, as an expression of a lack of hope, post-truth politics, affect theory, Ordinary Feelings, what if we stopped pretending that therapy can make people's lives full of happiness, joy, meaning, purpose, communal joy, ecstasy, collective purpose, shared meaning?, what if we stopped pretending that therapy can fix the suffering we feel from problems much larger than ourselves?, Humanistic Psychology, the fact that I do not mean this in an anti-therapuetic vein or as a masochistic or insensitive embrace of suffering but rather to ask: what forms of healing might emerge from this vantage point?, what forms of change might we see?, what forms of critical dialogue, activism, personal change and collective growth?, the fact that i'm not sure, the fact that CoStar horoscopes really irk me, pet peeves, “not every kind of feeling is communal,” “your personal pain is not unique,” public feelings, The Unhappy Divorce of Sociology and Psychoanalysis, the fact that in the pilot episode of Avenue 5 Matt says “i'm trained to make sure that your body wash gets replenished, not to rectify the catastrophe of human existence,” Trick Mirror, spiritual bypassing, *Cutting Through Spiritual Materialism,” confirmation bias, The Happiness Industry, the fact that a critical and sociological way of 'measuring' happiness might be kind of interesting even though i fundamentally disagree with optimization efforts aimed at psychological wellbeing, the fact that they're always so reductionist and hegemonic, Gross National Happiness, the fact that happiness measures could acknowledge interconnectedness, Measurement of Well-Being, the fact that the World Health Organization defines health “as a state of complete physical, mental and social well-being and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity,”