the fact that this is a blog that is a public memoir about my anxiety, the fact that this blog is an attempt to creatively engage, express, articulate, make sense of my anxiety in the spirit of the “Public Feelings Project,” a project that I admire but certainly do not claim to be a part of, the fact that through this blog I try to articulate my experience of anxiety as well as its nature as a sociocultural condition with political roots and treatments, the fact that this blog is about the things that make me anxious and the way my anxiety feels, the fact that many of these entries aren't a direct description or reflection on the experience of anxiety but rather an illustration of what my anxious mind feels and looks like: racing thoughts, internet rabbit holes, insomnia, obsessive note taking, overwhelming connections, incessant critique, excessive information, the fact that i also reflect on the sources of my anxiety including but not limited to information overload, social pressures, careerism, social anxiety, financial anxiety, the state of the world, Trump as our president, the incapacity of politics to radically change anything (see 'political depression'), housing crisis, late capitalism, student debt crisis, masculinity, queer gatekeeping, impact over intent, transportation crisis, the stress of public transportation, the stress of private transportation, bills, everyday tasks, drinking enough water, brushing my teeth, getting enough sleep, eating healthy, the decline of public spaces, wealth inequality, my physical safety, my emotional health, my impact on others, my ego, profits over people, white supremacy, heteronormativity, ableism, individualism, the fact that “you’re on earth, there’s no cure for that!”, the fact that I disagree with individual pathology models of clinical psychology that locate mental illness as dysfunction or disability within the individual (see Am I Depressed? The Coronavirus Mental-Health Crisis or When Will We Solve Mental Illness?), the fact that I draw upon critical disability studies to understand my experience of anxiety, the fact that this blog is inspired by Ducks, Newburyport by Lucy Ellmann (particularly the writing style), Depression: a public feeling by Ann Cvetkovich, and “We Are All Very Anxious” by the Institute for Precarious Consciousness, the fact that I also appreciate this article titled “We Are All Very Bad Materialists” which is a critique of that last article, the fact that “elevating affect to the level of social cause is a sure sign of middle-class bias,” comfort zone, The Danger of White Comfort, What Men Say About #MeToo in Therapy, Do Psychedelic Drug Laws Violate Human Rights?, cognitive liberty, #BlackLivesMatter, the fact that i also enjoyed reading Notes on a Nervous Planet by Matt Haig, the fact that “Haig is not claiming that life is measurably harder than ever for middle-class people in developed countries today – though occasionally he appears to come close to it” (The Guardian), the fact that “with anxiety you feel like you’ve got such intensity inside you, that if you left it, you would go mad,” the fact that “writing is a place where you can park it without your head exploding” (source), the fact that I also relate to to Sarah Manguso's anguish when she writes that “in 1988, my life became forever tained by the knowledge that I would write about it, which left me about fourteen years of pure experience,” ♫ All I gotta do / Is just learn to chill out ... Things I can't explain / Are now haunting my mind / Giving into the braindrain / Until the end of our time ... Making room for the braindrain / When it's out of control ♫, the fact that anxious people also get anxious from relaxing, ♫ i never been satisfied, that can't make me satisfied, satisfied ♫, the fact that this blog is an attempt at Ann Cvetkovich's search for

forms of testimony that can mediate between the personal and the social, that can explain why we live in a culture whose violence takes the form of systematically making us feel bad, Ideally, I'd like those forms of testimony to offer some clues about how to survive those conditions and even to change them, but I'd also settle for a compelling description, one that doesn't reduce lived experience to a list of symptoms and one that provides a forum for feelings that, despite a widespread therapeutic culture, still haven't gone public enough (Depression: a public feeling p. 15),

the fact that being vulnerable about my anxiety produces so much anxiety, witness me, the fact that this is an exercise in vulnerability, the fact that maybe i should be censoring myself here more though, the fact that maybe this is an arena for growth and constructive criticism, the fact that i dont want to be alone with my thoughts, the fact that some of my thoughts might make people feel uncomfortable or triggered, the fact that some of my thoughts might be microagressions, the fact that i want to be called in, the fact that i want to listen and grow, not react and engage in self-defense, the fact that actions speak louder than words, the fact that the late Mark Fisher wrote “I offer up my own experiences of mental distress not because I think there’s anything special or unique about them, but in support of the claim that many forms of depression are best understood – and best combated – through frames that are impersonal and political rather than individual and ‘psychological,'” the fact that i rather seek to situate my individual and psychological experiences in a socio-political context, the fact this blog is self-care, public vulnerability, and political commentary, the fact that in my case i'm speaking on anxiety but the fact that for me and for many others depression and anxiety are interrelated, comorbid, the fact that i have seasonal affective disorder and low-grade chronic depression, the fact that nowadays i'm not sure who isn't operating at a fundamental level of disillusionment, disbelief, discontent, the fact that I've been diagnosed with narcolepsy but i don't have cataplectic attacks, the fact that I'm pretty sure i have hypersomnia or chronic fatigue, Will coronavirus cause long-term chronic fatigue in some patients?, Brain damage could be linked to Covid-19, scientists warn, Post-COVID Syndrome Plagues Patients, Thousands Who Got COVID-19 in March Are Still Sick – The Atlantic, the fact that “Teresa Brennan suggests, for example, that depression and other contemporary conditions that are hard to identify such as chronic fatigue syndrome and autoimmune disorders are forms of psychic and environmental poisoning caused by the transmission of bad feelings across bodies, people, and groups” (depression: a public feeling, p. 158), biological materialism AND social constructivism, The Specter of Materialism, Why Socialists Should Believe in Human Nature, the fact that i have undiagnosed IBS and ADHD / ADT (attention-deficit trait) (pretty confident on both fronts), The Organized Mind: Thinking Straight in the Age of Information Overload, the fact that ADHD is best understood as a cultural construct, The Overflowing Brain: Information Overload and the Limits of Working Memory, Information Overload and ADHD, Attention Spans in the Age of Technology, the fact that i feel like I'm in a constant state of overstimulation, the fact that by acknowledging the expansiveness of all that is related to mental health (the totality of life and politics) I feel like I've opened myself up to infinite information-seeking, Overloaded Circuits: Why Smart People Underperform,

the fact that this blog can be best categorized as:

confessional, curation, catalogue, Zeitgeist, public vulnerability, thinking out loud, stream of consciousness, collage, life syllabus, self-care, political commentary,

the fact that this blog includes topics including but not limited to:

age of information, Information/Sensory/Content Overload/Overwhelm, Artists explore new ways of knowing in a time of information overload, Is Information Overload Hurting Mental Health?, Death by Information Overload, monkey mind, When More Information Leads to More Uncertainty, paradox of choice, saturated self, Do I contradict myself? / Very well then I contradict myself, / (I am large, I contain multitudes), Buddhist non-self, Identity and Selflessness in Buddhism: No Self or True Self?, Personality is not only about who but also where you are, role strain, individualism, California, The Case Against Self-Actualization, “I'm a citizen of the universe,” Steven Universe, Exiting the Vampire Castle, privilege, accountability, call-out culture, cancel culture, abolition, love, self-acceptance, intersectionality, praxis, action, critical theory, critical, validation, gaslighting, problematic, whiteness, masculinity, genderqueer, housing crisis, milennials, Gen Z, tech, voluntary simplicity, #vanlife, crystal girls, New Age spirituality, dystopia, substance use, drug policy, 'addiction,' psychedelics, drugs, consumption, Amazon, Amazon Prime, The Declaration of Yarinochoca, food, nutrition, exercise, sleep, insomnia, hypersomnia, laziness, The Right to Be Lazy, escapism, entertainment, self-care, exhaustion, isolation, loneliness, community, hydration, Are You Drinking Enough Water?, the 8 cups a day myth, multivitamins, holistic health, mind-body-spirit, individualism, co-ops, cops, socialism, fascism, anarchy, communalism, Murray Bookchin, Radical Dharma, We've Had 100 Years of Psychotherapy and the World is Getting Worse, “These are the times that grow our souls,” the fact that Joaquin Phoenix’s Oscars speech was a sprawling sociopolitical epic, affluenza, rose gold, nose piercing, eyebrow piercing, iridescent, tie-dye, bikes, vintage bikes, Bicycle Day, the Bay Area, the Sunrise Movement vs. the Sunrise Ceremony, @browngirl_green, toxic, toxicity, “The Indoor Generation,” Let Nature Back Into Your Home,” The Nature Fix, “I just want everybody to have a good time,” “Reality's tight if the music is right,” VICE, Vice, Viceland, vices, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Sean (1970), Following Sean, Boyhood, thrift stores, vintage, mindfulness, mindful sex, McMindfulness, mindful partying, harm reduction, cliques, social exclusion, loneliness, insecurity, depression, Depression: a public feeling, Depression and Anxiety in a Polarized Time, meaning, quality of life, getting back to the land, getting your hands dirty, jobs, dirty jobs, Mike Rowe, bullshit jobs, career, Do I want a career?, healthcare, stability, purpose. PURPOSE. commuting, rat race, traffic, noise pollution, stress, the fact that noise pollution is considered by some to be the most pervasive pollutant and contributes to chronic health conditions (like stress) and therefore reduced lifespans, Europe is particularly bad in this regard, Berlin, polyamory, Kalu Yala, crystal girls, Coachella, Amsterdam, practicality, bureaucracy, the role of art in capitalist societies, finger on the pulse, collage, Warren Neidich's Statisticon Neon, John Berger's Ways of Seeing, the obscene juxtaposition of consumer advertising and horrific news, Mad Men, visas, In Over Our Heads, 'A reckoning for our species': the philosopher prophet of the Anthropocene, hyperobjects, Introducing the idea of ‘hyperobjects’, sex, STIs, condoms, lube, pregnancy prevention, feminism, patriarchy, the fact that birth control methods have been invented by men but are meant for women, Am I Queer Enough?, How do I know if I'm non-binary?, masc, femme, beer, beer pong, drinking games, kings cup, college, OK BOOMER, “Are you okay Boomer?,” liberal arts, out-of-touch, sensitive, well which one is it?, Android or Apple?, Amazon’s 1-day shipping is convenient — and terrible for the environment, Jeff Bezos, Bill Gates, Elon Musk, George Soros, the rich, class solidarity, George H. W. Bush, Barack Obama, Ellen Degeneres, nostalgia, whitewashing, fake news, Donald Trump, WWOOF, New Zealand, Australia, permaculture, sustainability, farming, organic, the lost generation, collapse, late stage capitalism, ‘There’s something terribly wrong’: Americans are dying young at alarming rates, The Empty Promise of Suicide Prevention, the fact that Ben worked on a suicide hotline, the fact that they said that validating people's suicidal ideations is important and also truthful, the fact that there might be legitimate reasons why people want to end their lives, the fact that there are also might be reasons to keep living, the fact that publishing (in the sense of publicly writing) those last two sentences gives me anxiety, Can a Trip-Free Psychedelic Still Help People With Depression?, His Dark Materials, “'the depressive,' Fisher writes, is one who is 'totally dislocated from the world'—who does not labor under the fantasy that 'there is some home within the current order that can still be preserved and defended'”, the fact that Vonnegut said that home is in the past and cannot be found again, “where is home? I've wondered where home is, and I realized, it's not Mars or someplace like that, it's Indianapolis when I was nine years old, I had a brother and a sister, a cat and a dog, and a mother and a father and uncles and aunts, And there's no way I can get there again,” Mark Fisher’s “K-Punk” and the Futures That Have Never Arrived, Our Town, “Oh, earth, you're too wonderful for anybody to realize you,” Homesick for Another World, My Dystopian Fiction Longs for a Better World, Margaret Atwood, the Prophet of Dystopia, r/IWantOut, “the cost of sanity in this society is a certain level of alienation” (Terence McKenna), This Is Water, water rights, composting, sustainability, flexitarian diet, farmers markets, farmhand, left, right, ambidextrous, amphibian, amputate, the fact that people used to amputate limbs willy nilly to prevent death and infection, community markets, EBT, food stamps, welfare, gardening, fare, fare evasion, jumping, skipping, dodging, draft dodging, war, Eternal Void Coalition, fantasy name generator, Post-apocalyptic society name generator, False Prophet Federation, Trump's America, ownership, deeds, titles, Schitt$ Creek, Generation Wealth, Hillbilly Elegy, “I want a president” by Zoe Leonard, “what's that from?”, cultural relevance, social capital, respectability politics, How To Tell The Rebels Have Won, We Are Not the Resistance, the fact that i think i want to be a therapist but i strongly resonate with the views expressed by James Hillman and Michael Ventura in We've Had 100 Years of Psychotherapy — And the World's Getting Worse:

There is a decline in the political sense. No sensitivity to the real issues. Why are the intelligent people — at least among the white middle class — so passive now? Why? Because the sensitive, intelligent people are in therapy! (p. 5),

Every time we try to deal with our outrage over the freeway, our misery over the office and the lighting and the crappy furniture, the crime on the streets, whatever — every time we try to deal with that by going to therapy with our rage and fear, we’re depriving the political world of something. And therapy, in its crazy way, by emphasizing the inner soul and ignoring the outer soul, supports the decline of the actual world. Yet therapy goes on blindly believing that it’s curing the outer world by making better people. We’ve had that for years and years: ‘If everybody went into therapy we’d have better buildings, we’d have better people, we’d have more consciousness.’ It’s not the case. (p. 5),

In a world where most people do work that is not only unsatisfying but also, with its pressures, deeply unsettling; and in a world where there’s nothing more rare than a place that feels like a community, we load all our needs onto a relationship or expect them to be met by our family. And then we wonder why our relationships and family crack under the load (p. 13),

The neglect of the environment, the body of the world, is part and parcel of our personal ‘insanity.’ The world’s body must be restored to health, for in that body is also the world’s soul. I don’t think spiritual disciplines take the world enough into account; they’re always set on transcending, that is, denying it with spiritual practices (p. 52),

And I said to my son, if you wanted to volunteer for fascinating, dangerous, necessary work, this would be a great job to volunteer for — trying to be a wide-awake human during a Dark Age and keeping alive what you think is beautiful and important (p. 239),

the fact that it's hard to show up when you're depressed or have crippling anxiety, panic attacks, “love and justice are not two. Without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters” (Rev. angel Kyodo williams), the fact that maybe i'd rather be a social worker, the fact that I don't think I'm well adjusted enough to be a therapist (or a social worker),

The repressive atmosphere of therapy ... dictates psychology has to be respectable. This produces a terrible repression of the actual psychologist. We’re not allowed in the street. We have to be careful, pretty correct, not extreme or radical, and not mix it up with our clients and patients out in the world. And this slants our thinking toward white, middle-class psychology … ‘The trouble with getting old as a therapist is that I can’t grow into my eccentricity.’ Because what’s expected of a therapist is regular hours, being on time, being a kind of square, reasonable person. The therapist is unconsciously modeling the goal of therapy (p. 35), the fact that I've been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) with panic attacks, the fact that I'm also highly critical of the DSM and the diagnostic taxonomy, Common mental processes often underlie different diagnoses,

Timothy Leary, Unitarian Universalist, A World Without Pain, Every Feeling by Ezra Furman, the fact that I did an independent study over the summer titled “Developing a Politics of Consciousness,” How We Came to Live in “Cursed Times”, “but it is hard—given the sheer extent of what is crumbling around us, and also the natural limits of our individual scopes of vision—to take in the fullness of contemporary cursedness all at once. It’s easier, perhaps, to see dread in individual objects,” @dustycohen, 'I Believe in Love': Elizabeth Wurtzel's Final Year, In Her Own Words', The Gospel According to Mark Fisher, capitalist realism, depressive realism, ♫ Angry weather in my head / Angry weather in my head / Angry weather in my head ♫, How to Harness the Power of Your Pessimism, “what if reality truly sucks and, while depressed, we lose the very illusions that help us to not realise this?”, utopia of daily life, embracing mediocrity, the fact that Jasmine says that western philosophy is alienating, the ABC's of western discontent, absurdism, alienation, angst, anhedonia, anomie, anxiety, boredom, cultural malaise, demoralization, depression, despair, discontent, disillusionment, dissociation, ennui, estrangement, existentialism, isolation, loneliness, nihilism, spiritual depravity, weltschmerz, the demoralized mind, Could Be the Thyroid; Could Be Ennui. Either Way, the Drug Isn’t Helping., Pleasure Activism, collective joy, collective duty, communal living, cooking, eating, sleeping, fucking, riding bikes, the sun, laughter, art as sublimation, the fact that i'm not sure why the transference of an excess of consciousness into art and literature is bad, the fact that it can be overwhelming actually, Philip K. Dick, Philip K. Dick and the Fake Humans, Cruel Optimism, the Anthropocene epoch, Anthropocene: The Human Epoch, The dark side of the Anthropocene, Western liberal narratives of progress, technology, Mental Health and Wellbeing in the Anthropocene: A Posthuman Inquiry, embracing mediocrity, the utopia of daily life, the Fermi paradox, The Great Filter, ♫ There's a starman waiting in the sky / He's told us not to blow it / Cause he knows it's all worthwhile ♫, abiogenesis, Alone in a Crowded Milky Way, climate change, intergroup conflict, conflict resolution, A Conflict-Resolution Expert on Whether Political and Racial Dialogue Have Value in the Trump Era, Xenophobic one minute, tolerant the next: humans are strange primates, The Media Scolds Marianne Williamson (And Gets It Wrong), We Must Hear Marianne Williamson’s Message About the Overuse of Antidepressants, 1 in 6 Americans Takes a Psychiatric Drug, The Age of American Despair, Marianne Williamson Wants Politics to Enter the New Age, Marianne Williamson’s Esprit De Orb Corps, Marianne Williamson Has a Plan for That, The Gospel According to Marianne Williamson, The Curious Mystical Text Behind Marianne Williamson's Presidential Bid, Marianne Williamson Knows How to Beat Trump, The Meaning of Marianne Williamson, “there’s more in heaven and earth than what’s dreamed of by normal politicians,” the fact that Shakespeare wrote in Hamlet, “there are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy,” myopia, Acid Communism, What is Acid Corbynism?, Living, Not Just Surviving, “pink collar” labor, Ironic Occultists for Marianne Williamson, The Dystopic Leftist Youth of Reddit and Facebook, ‘I Should Be More Careful With Twitter’: Marianne Williamson on Those Mental Health Comments, The New Spiritual Consumerism, Cutting Through Spiritual Materialism, Psychology's power tools, Psychotherapy is not harmless: on the side effects of CBT, Is philosophy therapy, or is it simply a search for truth?, Their good life, Psyche, Anxy, ecotopia, mobile homes, Trailer Park Boys, voluntary simplicity, The Underestimation of Politics in Green Utopias: The Description of Politics in Huxley's Island, Le Guin's The Dispossessed, and Callenbach's Ecotopia, Doughnut EconomicsFrom Fantasy to Fact : Ernest Callenbach’s Little Ecology Novel Proved Amazingly Prophetic, The Life and Death of a ‘Cool’ City, the fact that Marianne Williamson had to publicly declare that she is not a crystal girl, Marianne Williamson: I'm not some 'crystal woo-woo lady' people on the 'left' say I am, the fact that my friends think of me as a crystal girl, nonbinary energy person, the fact that I find this scale of David Hawkins' Map of Consciousness absolutely hilarious and terribly problematic, New Age spirituality, A Cynic's Search for the Truth About Healing Crystals, Crystals, potions and tarot cards: the mystical rise of new age businesses, I Asked a Milennial Expert If Our Generation Is Doomed, Millennials are filling their homes — and the void in their hearts — with houseplants, the fact that i'm pretty turned off by most job opportunities for doing research, the fact that academia seems largely a practice of inaccessibility, self-justification, and hegemony, the Ivory Tower, community psychology, critical psychology, RadPsyNet, Enlightenment rationality is not enough: we need a new Romanticism, the fact that psychedelics can be tools of enchantment but are being co-opted by 'science,' “The mushroom hunters”, Fantastic Fungi, Eureka, Wild Wild Country, “jump into all the rabbit holes you want—just don't expect to find Wonderland” (WIRED), mental health as apolitical, Depressed by Politics? Just Let Go, the fact that psychedelics create a false sense of hope, political depression, depressive realism, Can't Catch a Break: Gender, Jail, Drugs, and the Limits of Personal Responsibility, the fact that the authors in that book note that for homeless women with PTSD the responses of anxiety and fear are behaviors of survival rather than maladpted responses indicative of individual illness, Catch Me If You Can with Leonardo DiCaprio, the fact that a sense of hope can distract people from the reality that our current system is fucked, that things aren't changing, and that psychedelic therapies likely won't change much, What if We Stopped Pretending the Climate Apocalypse Can Be Stopped?, What If We Stopped Pretending Articles Like This Are Helpful? The climate apocalypse is coming, only if we refuse to act. To prevent it, we need to take global-scale action. A rebuttal to Jonathan Franzen's terrible article in the New Yorker., the fact that change is often not about willpower but about perspective, humility, love, acceptance, the fact that W.H. Auden wrote, in the Age of Anxiety:

We would rather be ruined than changed We would rather die in our dread Than climb the cross of the moment And let our illusions die,

Do You Live in The Age of Dissociation?, the fact that conceptualizing solutions as a matter of willpower feels very in line with Western narratives of linear progress, the fact that it also feels very masculine to me, Nike's “Just Do It,” How to Do Nothing, The controversy over Jonathan Franzen’s climate change opinions, explained, political depression, the fact that I think Franzen's comments should not be taken as representative scientific consensus or as direction for political agenda, but the fact that I think we should take Franzen's perspective very seriously as an expression of public feeilngs, as an expression of a lack of hope, post-truth politics, affect theory, Ordinary Feelings, what if we stopped pretending that therapy can make people's lives full of happiness, joy, meaning, purpose, communal joy, ecstasy, collective purpose, shared meaning?, what if we stopped pretending that therapy can fix the suffering we feel from problems much larger than ourselves?, Humanistic Psychology, the fact that I do not mean this in an anti-therapuetic vein or as a masochistic or insensitive embrace of suffering but rather to ask: what forms of healing might emerge from this vantage point?, what forms of change might we see?, what forms of critical dialogue, activism, personal change and collective growth?, the fact that i'm not sure, the fact that CoStar horoscopes really irk me, pet peeves, “not every kind of feeling is communal,” “your personal pain is not unique,” public feelings, The Unhappy Divorce of Sociology and Psychoanalysis, the fact that in the pilot episode of Avenue 5 Matt says “i'm trained to make sure that your body wash gets replenished, not to rectify the catastrophe of human existence,” Trick Mirror, spiritual bypassing, *Cutting Through Spiritual Materialism,” confirmation bias, The Happiness Industry, the fact that a critical and sociological way of 'measuring' happiness might be kind of interesting even though i fundamentally disagree with optimization efforts aimed at psychological wellbeing, the fact that they're always so reductionist and hegemonic, Gross National Happiness, the fact that happiness measures could acknowledge interconnectedness, Measurement of Well-Being, the fact that the World Health Organization defines health “as a state of complete physical, mental and social well-being and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity,” the fact that it's hard to stay in touch with people, the fact that i forget to respond to text messages all the time, the fact that 22 percent of millennials say they have “no friends”, the fact that i'm extroverted but i also have social anxiety, the fact that i get really overwhelmed by stimuli, the fact that i get overwhelmed by what it takes to make friends and maintain relationships in this society, Managing Your Friendships, With Software, The Slackification of the American Home, the fact that i was watching season 3 of ozark the other day and i was reminded of the pilot episode of true detective:

COHLE (V.O.): People out here, they don’t even know the outside world exists. INT – MARTY’S CAR COHLE: Might as well be living on the fucking moon. HART: There’s all kinds of ghettos in the world. COHLE: It’s all one ghetto, man. Giant gutter in outer space. [beat] HART: Today, that scene… That is the most fucked up thing I ever caught. Can I ask you something? You’re Christian, yeah? COHLE: No. HART: Well what do you got the cross for in your apartment? COHLE: That’s a form of meditation. Hart is knee-jerk offended at Cohle’s nonchalance about the Son of Man— HART: How’s that? COHLE: I contemplate the moment in the garden. The idea of allowing your own crucifixion. HART: But you’re not a Christian so what do you believe? COHLE: I believe that people shouldn’t talk about this type of shit at work. HART: Hold on, hold on. Three months we been together I get nothing from you. Today, what we’re into now, do me a courtesy ok, I’m not trying to convert you. COHLE: I’d consider myself a realist, but in philosophical terms I’m what’s called a pessimist. HART: Ok, what’s that mean? COHLE: It means I’m bad at parties. HART: laughs let me tell you, you ain’t great outside of parties either. Hart scowls at Cohle, prodding him on. Cohle continues, relucant— COHLE: I think human consciousness is a tragic misstep in evolution. We became too self aware. Nature created an aspect separated from itself, we are creatures that should not exist by natural law.

the fact that in my thesis i wrote, “consciousness, the mind itself, is a supernatural entity and we need not move beyond the bidirectional causal relationship of mind-brain (or more accurately, mind-body) to enter the realm of the mystics,” the fact that If You Can Say It, You Can Feel It

HART: Well that sounds god-fucking-awful, Rust. COHLE: We are things that labor under the illusion that having a self. This secretion of sensory, experience, and feeling. Programmed, with total assurance, that we’re each somebody. When, in fact, everybody’s nobody. HART: I wouldn’t go around spouting that shit if I was you, people around here don’t think that way. I don’t think that way. COHLE: I think the honorable thing for our species to do is deny our programming. Stop reproducing. Walk hand-in-hand into extinction. A beat where Cohle seems almost wistful— COHLE: One last midnight, brothers and sisters opting out of a raw deal. HART: So, what’s the point of getting out of bed in the morning? COHLE: looks out the window as he speaks, almost to himself— COHLE: I tell myself I bear witness. The real answer is that it’s obviously my programming. And I lack the constitution for suicide. HART: My luck I pick today to get to know you. Three months, I don’t hear a word from you and… COHLE: You asked. HART: Yeah. Now I’m begging you to shut the fuck up. Back to silence. As Hart grinds his teeth, Cohle stares out the windows at the ISOLATED FIELDS and RAMSHACKLE HOMES, the ELECTRICAL LINES against the DESOLATE VALLEY, BROKEN FENCES, several tense beats — COHLE: I got a bad taste in my mouth out here. Aluminum. Ash. I can smell the psychosphere. HART: I got an idea. Let’s make the car a place of silent reflection from now on. Okay? Outside, the car passes a cheap, OLD BILLBOARD with a WOMAN’s PORTRAIT on it and the legend ‘10-11-87: DO YOU KNOW WHO KILLED ME? $10,000 REWARD. STACY GERHART – AGE 14. 337-976-5236’ COHLE: What should I bring for dinner? Horrified to be reminded of the dinner invitation, Hart re-composes himself— HART: Bottle of wine’d be nice, I guess. COHLE: I don’t drink. This a final straw of disappointment for Hart— HART: Well no, of course not Rust. Listen, when you’re in my house I want you to chill the fuck out. Don’t even mention any of that bullshit you just said to me. COHLE: Of course not Marty. I’m not some kind of maniac. Fuck’s sake.

the fact that the paleo diet is based off of a theory of evolutionary mismatch, the fact that Ben says this at the beginning of s3e9 of ozark:

I have that feeling like when you just quit a job. Tell your boss to get fucked, walk out to your car and just drive away.[laughs] It's a good feeling, man. [laughs] [sighs] I've never been a fan of the routine. I've never been a person other people can force into a thing. I mean, I'm peaceful, I'm loving, but I'm not like the others. I'm not. I'm not like the others, and I will not fall in line with the others. When they're saying, “This is normal, what you walked into is normal, what we built here is normal, and your reaction to it is wrong. That's not normal.” No, no. Mnh-mnh. You serve in the military? I get it, I get it. Thank you.I can never do that. Thank you for your service. [sniffles] Did you ever wake up in the middle of the night and play out the worst possible scenario? Like you're driving your car, and a kid comes out of nowhere on a bike or one of them scooters, and you smack into that kid, the kid dies. The good part of your life is over. I wake up, I'll just flash to that. Me, not you. In my warm bed, roof over my head. [laughs] In my warm bed, roof over my head. Food in the fridge— Fridge in first place. I'll wake up, I'll just start thinking about the guy by the gun store who lives in a tarp. And the city just keeps fucking with him, and he's just a guy. He's just a guy. He's just a guy. He's just a guy out of his mind. He's probably a marine, because he has that look, much like yourself. He has that look much like yourself, and he's just trying to get it all— He's just trying to get by, but he can't, 'cause he can't— 'cause he can't— 'cause he can't get...But he can't...find the click anymore, the...the...the key. Can't get it all...put together again. But there are days, I would imagine...[sniffles]...there are days when...when it's like— when it's close. When it's, like, this close to, like...“Oh...I remember. I remember what my mind was before the thing happened that ruined my mind. I remember who I am now. And I don't gotta sleep on the sidewalk by the gun store in order not to kill myself or kill my wife.” But then... [whooshes] He loses it. Another day goes by, I'll lie in my bed... cry about... killing the kid on the scooter or... the homeless marine... or my father dying. And my father was not a good person, but... I imagine him there at the end. [sniffles] I just want to hold him. You know? [sniffles] That's kind of always been a problem of mine. I'll go deep into another person's shit. Or I spin out on a thing that hasn't happened yet. It might not happen. But I worry. I just worry. Like Tom Petty. What a shame. [inhales deeply, sighs] My day's been going good, man. How's your day been going?

the fact that Ben is subsequently murdered, Disciplined Minds: A Critical Look at Salaried Professionals and the Soul-battering System That Shapes Their Lives, humanistic psychology, the demonization of people, the dehumanization of humans, the fact that “if history has one clear lesson to offer, it is that building a new society on the assumption that humans are natural communards leads all too often to disaster,” The Drama of the Commons, the fact that “we should never give up our love for humanity and the trust in our inherent goodness, which will eventually help us take the right path, and overcome today’s struggles,” spiritual determinism, What to Do with this World?, the fact that i really went down an internet and anxiety black hole the other day in which a good portion of my time was consumed by meaninglessness, the fact that i was concerned that tumblr could offer me everything that this platform offered me but for cheaper and with more connectivity potential, Tumblr’s First Year Without Porn, What’s Next for Tumblr?, Tumblr vs. Medium: Comparing Popular Blogging Platforms, Tumblr once sold for $1.1 billion. The owner of WordPress just bought the site for a fraction of that, paradox of choice, the limitless potentials of the digital world, Westworld,

Dolores: How many counterfeit worlds will Ford offer you before you see the truth? No world they create for us can compete with the real one. Bernard: Why? Dolores: Because that which is real... is irreplaceable.

♫ “The Real World” ♫ by Drugdealer, SNRI, SSRI, NDRI, Lexapro, Prozac, Cymbalta, Effexor, Wellbutrin, Prozac Nation, Generation Adderall, virtual therapy, informational interviews, pastel-future-sci-fi, anxiety, the fact that intentionality and openness lead to hyper-awareness and anxious vulnerability, comfort and intimacy vs. space to hide, paint samples, all the different brands at the grocery store, Netflix, tv menu, channel listings, tv guide, bookstores vs used bookstores, online shopping, malls, mentors, context specific, inaccessibility versus depth, meaning creation, cultural voices, pedestals, the impossibility of a cultural authority, the elitism of a cultural authority, the stupidity of America, deepening your experience and understanding vs overwhelming it, information overload, Jenny Odell, that umami article sarah sent, that line looks different for everyone, a range of inaccessibility depth, accessibility, that range being one of possible achievement, the purpose of my art and writing, professionalism, success, uncompromising values, the fact that im looking more for mentorship and critique, for conversation and connection, than I am looking for 'success', validation, the fact that im looking for an in-between of that ”'alternative' consultancy” in that article about umami and a mental health consulting group, the fact that sarah says that could be maybe found in intentional spaces, in retreats, the hatred of poetry, that academic in pennsylvania that randy talks about who emphasizes positionality “poetry sucks,” george lukacs, Saturday, Ian McEwan, the fact that i should reach out to Mr Lukacs, maybe Mrs. Lukacs too, the fact that oh i could maybe send them my blog, gia tolentino, high brow and low brow, the fact that she elevates mundane everyday experiences in a way that it feels like it gives more meaning to our lives, language as meaning vs. direct experience, sublimation, understanding experience through language versus disconnection from experience through language, Philip K. Dick West World, consciousness, Developing a Politics of Consciousness, Developing a Cultural Theory of Consciousness, specifically affect, that article about raising affect to the leval of social cause, cultural critique to the level of social cause, jack of all trades, renaissance man, amateurism, the fact that according to Ben Lerner, “Art has to offer something other than stylized despair,” what about stylized anxiety?, anoesis, ineffability, cultural elitism, noetic sciences, word for when you don't have the language to describe something, ageism, the fact that old people tell young people that they just don't understand, how the world works, naivety, that feeling when a therapist supposedly knows more about your experience than you do, ineffability as anoesis, appropriation of ineffability in the new age spiritual sphere, spiritual bypassing, the language of spirituality, cultural elitism, language, Terence McKenna, inaccessibility, the Chelsea neighborhood, anya, florida, Superiority Complex, the fact that we are all of the world except for Grimes, public feelings, the fact that the world is a public space, private as a fake constructed narrative, “malaise in the face,” the fact that direct action is vital but also the fact that we live in a virtual reality world of money and symbols and technology and meaning, materialistic vs. semiotic, Spent, the fact that we are In Over Our Heads, land acknowledgment, self-care, cultural appropriation, the fact that “people of color” is a problematic phrase, BIPOC, Third World, developing, underdeveloped, impoverished, linguistics, language, word choice, costumes, feather earrings, headdresses, the fact that my grandpa's nickname is Poppi, the fact that his real name is Richard Gal, 'Dick' Gal, The transcendent bissu, call out culture, cancel culture, shame, guilt, calling in, the fact that asking for more polite methods of delivery can be considered a microaggression, the fact that i agree, suppression of experience, sugarcoat, commuting to work, the need for enchantment, meaning, vibrancy, structure, video games, the need for purpose, socially engaged work, ikigai, The Good Place,


dystopia venn diagram

pastel-future-sci-fi, the fact that It’s the End of California as We Know It, the fact that California Is Becoming Unlivable, the fact that No, it’s not the end of California as we know it, the fact that that Sarah sends me so many articles, the fact that I can't read all of them, The ‘Hooker Laureate’ of the Dirtbag Left, Losing Religion and Finding Ecstasy in Houston, the fact that It Doesn’t Matter If Anyone Exists or Not, 7 Zines That Helped People Work through Mental Health Issues, complex feelings, non-reductionist, non-medical, non-scientific, narrative, the feeling of leveling up, the feeling of receiving a package, consumerism, Affluenza, the feeling of mystical importance (sci fi, fantasy, indiana jones and the aliens), some kind of importance of of a galactic scope, psychedelics, ‘The Midnight Gospel’ Is The Trippy Existential Animated Series For Our Time, Like Any Psychedelic, Netflix's New Cartoon 'The Midnight Gospel' Is Best Enjoyed in Careful Doses, The Midnight Gospel: How Pendleton Ward Brought Duncan Trussell's Podcast to Animated Surreality – IGN, The Midnight Gospel review: Netflix’s adult Adventure Time is powerfully weird – Polygon, The Midnight Gospel on Netflix is the anti-Rick and Morty, the fact that i appreciate some of the discussions in The Midnight Gospel but i really dislike some of them, the fact that some of them are way too woo woo, the fact that i aprpeciated parts of the discussions of the Buddhist concepts of non-self, interdependence, and emptiness

We think that there's something essentially true about reality. You only have the illusion that you're a separate self, because it's a point at which a network converges. The important distinction here also is this is not nihilism. It's not, “Nothing is real.” It's that everything is empty of inherent quality, meaning non-essentialism. There's no essential, one true “Clancy.” There's no essence of anything. The Tibetan Buddhists call this the clear light, understanding the essential non-existence of everything,

the fact that i think that pleasure, positive affective and embodied experiences, can be a language beyond the self, out-of-body experiences,

The French call the orgasm “the little death.” Death is actually the big orgasm, right? The relinquishing of the self,

the fact that I think the buddhist concepts of interdependence, emptiness, non-self, non-esssentialism have radical implications for politics, the fact that i think that these concepts are highly congruent with a progressive and loving practice of the sociological imagination, prison abolitionism, the fact that im not sure how these theories / wisdoms interact with determinism though, on a philosophical or metaphysical level, Devs, Chillwave Was the First Great Genre of the Internet Era, Interview: Goth Babe — Honey Punch Mag, THE VICE GUIDE TO VICE, Charline Bataille (@charlinebataille) • Instagram photos and videos, these rainbow-colored tattoos are like lisa frank on acid – i-D, Robert Crumb's “Short History of America,”

The Weirdo Years, An aimless society provides an aimless result

the fact that i like the simplifying lens of psychology but not the reductionism, a universal language, accessibility, the fact that i don't believe we can heal on the individual level, the fact that i think that healing society is the only way we can truly heal ourselves, the fact that i think the two options for any ethical human being nowadays are: we can do work or we can just be, we cannot heal as individuals, the fact that “I'm a citizen of the universe,” the fact that these rick and morty style alien teenage boy humor shows are apolitical and i think seek to avoid race through the use of alien humanoids, colorblind aliens of midnight gospel, Rick and Morty, solar opposites, the fact that in solar opposites the servant AI is a black woman (slavery), sociological determinism vs physical determinism versus philosophical determinism, Astrology in the Age of Uncertainty | The New Yorker, Toxic Culture: A Unified Theory of Mental Pollution, mental pollution, culture jam, visual puns, high-brow culture jamming, the fact that we live in a dystopia world marked by virtual realities dissociated from time and place, the fact that we've sacrificed for community and real lives for convenience (cancelling people, ordering food), tv, financial anxiety, endless anxiety, hopeless anxiety, critical anxiety, communal anxiety, gender anxiety, race anxiety, safety anxiety, climate anxiety, universal anxiety, mind fuck anxiety, Trumpian anxiety, dissolution of reality – transcendent anxiety, 24/7 always-on delivery anxiety, dystopian hellhole, time has no meaning, place has no meaning, iAnxiety, tech anxiety, the fact that i've really been sensing some very individualist, selfish, even hegemonic thinking arise in me lately, racist fear, classist fear, fear of robbery, Van Jones: It's not the racists we have to worry about, “CNN's Van Jones says that the black community is tired of hearing empty promises of change and that they should be more worried about “the White Liberal Hillary Clinton supporter” than a white racist,” the fact that he spoke extensively about “reaching across the aisle,” the fact that his tone seems quite different now, the fact that I'd love to be part of mutual aid community but then I'll just end up with less or no money in my savings account and still be living in a society that doesn't take care of people and be less in a position to take care of myself, the fact that i live in a van and make right around the poverty line in annual income so i'm really not asking for much, the fact that critical theory can be really philosophical, critical theory, philosophy, as dissociative, alienating like professor jasmine said: “western philosophy is alienating,” the fact that drug use and drug policy straddle the paradoxical swings from hope to hopelessness, the fact that the polarity of the two is simultaneously held in the euphoric disillusionment of a psychedelic trip, the fact that drug use transcends boundaries yet is also so firmly connected to boundaries, Nixon, Reagan, Alejandro Jodorwksky, Legion, mindfuck, surrealism, collage, Salvador Dali, the fact that People who think the world is governed by secret forces are more likely to trust alternative medicine, It's not just the forests burning. Our economic system was designed to burn everything in its path, Physicians aren't 'burning out.' They're suffering from moral injury, moral injury, Why do millennials want to die? : OutOfTheLoop, “My clinical depression is easily treated with therapy and medication. My existential dread about the current state of politics, the environment, and the economy – not so much,” Dare to dream of a world without borders | Red Pepper, planned obsolescence and e-waste, Why You Should Hate Your Job » IAI TV, In India, high-pressure exams are creating a student suicide crisis | WIRED UK, The Pentagon Can't Account for $21 Trillion (That's Not a Typo) – Truthdig, Goldman asks: 'Is curing patients a sustainable business model?', Report: It Time To Give Up, “The Workplace Is Killing People and Nobody Cares”, Johann Hari on How the “Junk Values” of Neoliberalism Drive Depression and Anxiety in the U.S. | Democracy Now!, Is There Anything That Working Less Does Not Solve? – Evonomics, What Happens When Millennials Grow Up? – VICE, Andrew Sullivan on the Opioid Epidemic in America, Is Neoliberalism Making Our Depression and Anxiety Crisis Worse? – In These Times, The Enlightenment Is Working – WSJ, The Lost Art of Staying Put | Lucy Ellmann, Free Will, Video Games, and the Profoundest Quantum Mystery | The New Yorker, 8: An A/B test on our way of life – Slowdown Papers – Medium, Pandemic's new, eerie world » Witness Performance, The ecstasy of the agony: A quick guide to transcendental horror, on inaccessibility of language, whats the purpose of 'complex' language if one doesn't have the tools of reflection and spiritual introspection to describe, understand, witness one's own experience? does the complexity of language to describe external situations further distance ourselves from facing our own internal experiences?, pessimistic, depressed, and anxious, the fact that there is pressure to be productive in the capitalist sense but also the activist sense, virtue signalling, personal brand, the physicality of snowpiercer, victim blaming, the fact that people have agency over cultivating their mental landscape, shifting narrative from victim to survivor, or at least acknowledging that narrative exists and is possible and the power of narrative, Pentagon Documents Reveal The U.S. Has Planned For A Bitcoin Rebellion, A Marxist Therapist Treats a Trump-supporting Client: A Tale of Politics and Psychotherapy – PubMed, Break On Through: Radical Psychiatry and the American Counterculture, Uneasy Street: The Anxieties of Affluence, Feelings of Being: Phenomenology, Psychiatry and the Sense of Reality, The Divided Self, Sapiens, Age of Addiction, Assata: An Autobiography, Pleasure Activism, Octavia's Brood, Interrupted Life, Running on Emptiness: The Pathology of Civilization, Paradox of Choice, Pedagogy of Hope, It's All About Love, The Psychiatry of Lies, Politics of Experience, Rollo May, Carl Rogers, Cultural Creatives by Paul H. Ray, The Sane Society by Erich Fromm, Culture Jam by Kalle Lasn, The Trauma of Everyday Life, In Over Our Heads, My Name Is Chellis and I'm in Recovery from Western Civilization, The Cultural Politics of Emotion, Political Emotions: Why Love Matters for Justice, The Promise of Happiness, Cruel Optimism, Ugly Feelings by Sianne Ngai, Captains of Consciousness, the fact that there are so many publications in the world, so many books, The Cut, The Point, WIRED, Commune Mag, Jacobin, The New York Times, The New Yorker, Supermaker, baffler, Doubleblind, Aeon, The Guardian, n+1, Erich Fromm: freedom and alienation, and loving and being in education – infed.org:, Beginning theory: An introduction to literary and cultural theory: Fourth edition, Critical Theory: A Very Short Introduction, On theorists’ mental health? : CriticalTheory, the fact that i spend a lot of time dreaming and it makes me sad,

the fact that there's something aesthetically appealing about all dystopian movies. about ruins, the fact that's not the world we live in, the fact we live in a world of ugliness, of true ugliness, of that photo of American chains by the highway, of a gross room of a video gamer who doesn't go outside, the fact that dusty cohens Instagram is a good example, the fact that i intentionally don't do a deep dive into many topics, the fact that I'm more interested in integration, synthesis, network, application, the fact that we don't need more science, more technology, the fact that we need new ways of making people want less, consume less, travel less, accumulate less, the fact that quarantine is one example of this, an example of how ill-prepared we are for what needs to happen, staying put, building community, occupying our time in unobtrusive ways, life as survival first and foremost, don't waste food, don't unnecessarily travel, the fact that socializing during covid has become like the worst parts of hookup culture