anxiety: a public memoir

*TRIGGER WARNING*

burnout as an excuse, when do I qualify for burnout, qualifying for food stamps, benefits, welfare, safety net, net, fishing, that fishing show, The Great Catch, prisons, neurodivergence, putting in your time, suffering as a badge of honor, Mad Pride, suffering as a qualifier for love and acceptance, the fact that actively identifying as disabled due to my sleep disorders or mental illnesses provides me with narratives that feel validating but also debilitating, the fact that the clinical and individual paradigms feel limiting, the fact that they paradoxically feel like they create more space for conversation and understanding but also fuel self-fulfilling prophecies of disability and struggle, “like the star's wellness brand, this whole show is a demented paean to self-indulgence” (source), Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop Arts, and Science,

the fact that “flavour has no borders,” cultural appropriation, colorblind racism, ♫ Imagine there's no countries/ It isn't hard to do / Nothing to kill or die for / And no religion too / Imagine all the people living life in peace / You may say I'm a dreamer/ But I'm not the only one ♫, cookbooks as our late-capitalist dystopian expression of universality, “our suffering is a thread that weaves us all together,” We Are All United By Our Universal Appreciation of Flavor, Duhkha, We Are Not One, the spice trade, colonialism, globalization, Ottolenghi, Zionism, Zaitoun: recipes and stories from the Palestinian Kitchen,

Soviet Russia, the fact that I've read that the USSR was mostly unsuccessful because of weather and corruption and geography and also American Western conflicts and covert undermining, the fact that there's a word for that, political warfare, the fact that socialism sounds like it could be pretty great, the fact that a socialist version of Terence McKenna's Archaic Revival sounds better, the fact that I recognize that Terence McKenna contributed to the colonialist projects of drug tourism and spiritual extractivism in South America, the fact that me recognizing this does not excuse my appreciation for his ideas, the fact that socialism can be bogged down in bureaucracy, the fact that it's really dystopian and disorienting and mentally taxing that there's so much paperwork and legality necessary for human life in western industrialized nations, IDs, taxes, visas, life, human life, living, eating, sleeping, the fact that switches on a computer can decide whether or not someone lives, binary code, the fact that there's so many hurdles to jump through just to support yourself, the fact that you have to support 'the system' first,' the fact that the Reddit pages on socialism are filled with so much anger and toxic masculinity, the fact that socialism & spiritual bypassing is so classically white and male, I Am a Young Mom Working At McDonald's. Here's What It's Really Like, Bernie Sanders, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, paradox, identity politics,

the fact that I actually love drunk biking, the fact that I loved biking around with zoë to that show in the socos, to dollar beer night on Thursdays, soco sounds, soho sounds, south of Howard, Tampa, ciccio restaurant group, the fact that Patrick's worked for them for ages now, the fact that they're building all these high-rises in Tampa, noise pollution, the fact that im at the park and no one is here, except for gasparilla which is the worst, the fact that im not sure where the homeless people sleep in tampa, queer people at Gasparilla, the fact that I doubt they're using eco-friendly supplies in these new buildings, the fact that it's the culture not just the policy, the fact that if policy was changed it would be resisted by the culture of business in Tampa, capitalist realism,

the fact that I still don't know what it means to be genderqueer, What Is It Like to Be Non-Binary? I’m Still Finding Out., Help! I Think I Might Be Non-Binary, But How Can I Know?, How to Know If You’re Non-Binary, transgender teen survival guide non-binary flowchart,

nonbinary flow chart

the fact that masculinity feels really limiting, the fact that I feel limited in what I can be as a man, the fact that I still feel like a man sometimes, the fact that I don't want to abdicate myself of the responsibility of attending to male privilege or toxic masculinity, the fact that I do feel concern around my safety sometimes, the fact that whether or not that concern is based on real danger i do not know, the fact that I do feel discomfort around family, hometown, and old friends, they/them, the fact that sometimes i don't feel seen or understood, the fact that people have yelled slurs at me, the fact that some things that may seem like a choice don’t feel like a choice because they're a genuine expression of me, style, art, fashion, hair, earrings, dresses, skirts, the fact that gender queerness to me is far more than outward portrayals like fashion, the fact that gender queerness has helped me understand my experience of the limitations and problems of masculinity, the fact that genderqueerness feels like a genuine expression of my felt distance from masculiniy, the fact that i don’t mean to abdicate myself from the responsiblity of attending to masucline privilege, the fact that I am not exploring genderquerness to escape the vilification of my masculinity but rather to be seen and exist outside of it, the fact that i live outside of it, the fact that my experience exists outside of it, the fact that i want to be held accountable while also perceived outside the confines of expected masculine behavior, the fact that this article titled How To Make Your Marriage Gayer really made me feel validated in my genderqueerness because i identify with many of the roles and characteristics attributed to gay men and women, self fulfilling prophecy, I am who I am perceived to be, social psych, highly variable personality, Buddhist non-self, the fact that i've felt really uncomfortable in my body, the fact that sometimes during sex i feel like my body is being used, the fact that i often feel pressured into sex, the fact that i feel like my body is controlled and surveilled, sometimes by partners, the fact that im not sure how this feeling interacts with narratives around problematic cis men pursuing polyamory, the fact that (insert name) said that my awareness of these issues suggests im not the problematic trope, the fact that it matters the gender of who said that, she/her, the fact that this certainly doesnt mean i don't exhibit problematic masculine behaviors or thoughts, queer lite, internalized queer gatekeeping, the fact that i feel gender dysphoria but i dont want to transition to anything else, the fact that both he/him and they/them pronouns make me feel uncomfortable, the fact that misgendering feels binary (they/them OR he/him) and too blamey (for me, i recognize my experience isn’t everyone’s) and conveys a false certainty, the fact that i definitely don’t identify as a woman, the fact that they/them feels more right and felt great for awhile but now it feels like i have to justify or prove my queerness, projection, the fact that every expression of masculinity feels like it invalidates my experiences of genderqueerness, the fact that many close friends and loved ones in my life validate my gender, the fact that they say i don’t feel like a man, the fact that many expressions of masculinity in the bay area fall firmly outside the boundaries of male-identification in tampa where i’ve spent most of my life, the fact that its difficult to reconcile my experience in the bay area with my experience growing up in florida, paradox of queerness, the fact that whatever i want to do is not questioned and comfortable but i feel like i have to be more queer in order to be queer in the bay, queer lite, the fact that for me physical embodiment feels masculine, the fact that my sexuality feels more clear than my gender because gender feels quite contingent upon external validation, perception, reaction, judgment, the fact that i dont feel body dysphoria but i definitely dont feel body euphoria when it comes to my genitalia, the fact that mostly i feel genital ambivalence, the fact that i feel a lack of ownership over what my body is, circumcision, the fact that i didnt choose my birth sex, the fact that i feel a lack of ownership over how my body is perceived, over what it means, “I'm a citizen of the universe”: Gloria Anzaldúa's Spiritual Activism as Catalyst for Social Change, “big max energy,” naked and afraid, ripped and afraid, toxic masculinity, appropriation, 'You Don't Own Me,' A Feminist Anthem With Civil Rights Roots, Is All About Empathy,

You don't own me I'm not just one of your many toys You don't own me Don't say I can't go with other boys And don't tell me what to do Don't tell me what to say And please, when I go out with you Don't put me on display 'cause You don't own me Don't try to change me in any way You don't own me Don't tie me down 'cause I'd never stay I don't tell you what to say I don't tell you what to do So just let me be myself That's all I ask of you I'm young and I love to be young I'm free and I love to be free To live my life the way I want To say and do whatever I please ♫,

Men, emotional sensitivity, taking up space, emotional labor, communication, self-awareness, growth, mutual gaslighting, white femme victim narratives,

bad leftist male behavior bingo

The Ethical Slut, How a hackneyed romantic ideal is used to stigmatise polyamory, TRIGGER WARNING The Self-crucifixion of the Persecuted Polyamorist, Chastity Belt – Seattle Party

If you dance if you dance No girl will give you a chance You're a cool guy ♫,

What's the Difference Between Non-Binary, Genderqueer, and Gender-Nonconforming?, Beyond Androgyny: Nonbinary Teenage Fashion, 100 Ways to Make the World Better for Non-Binary People, The Gender Spectrum Collection: Stock Photos Beyond the Binary, Heterosexuality and its discontents, Heterosexuality Without Women, the fact that self-love isn't an antidote to anxiety, the fact that self-love isn't inherently navel-gazing, the fact that 'self-love' can be a barrier to self critique, self-love as spiritual bypassing, self-love as spiritual growth, the fact that self-love repositions the ego in social justice work, the fact that I am not the fix nor the problem, the fact that I can be a part of the fix or the problem, and the problem, the fact that I am the center of the world, self worth and independence vs. feeling grounded / connected / lost / aimless, changing relationships, the triangular theory of love, polyamory, intimacy, commitment, romantic attraction, passionate love, companionate love, intimacy, commitment, investment, New Relationship Energy, honeymoon stage, compersion, jealousy, dependency vs. emotional support, codependency, the fact that I can be really independent and still find being in a relationship really gratifying because it activates certain parts of me that are always there but that I need to be reminded of, the fact that being with someone else can make me feel like those parts of me are more possible to access, the fact that a partner can give my personhood a context, the fact that my personhood exists without them but that it can feel like it exists floating in space, in a vacuum, especially in this world, that this can feel positive and negative, disorienting and liberating, ♫ “Everyday” ♫ by Weyes Blood, ♫ “Movies” ♫ by Weyes Blood, ♫ “Andromeda” ♫ by Weyes Blood, disorientation, the fact that fighting with someone makes you feel closer, the fact that toxicity can create attachment and meaning, the fact that this incredibly fucked up, post-grad disorientation, daily structure of life, checking your phone for a message, choosing to be in a relationship despite abuse creates an illusion of meaning, the fact that you may have convinced yourself the relationship is worth abuse and therefore must be a really important and meaningful relationship, 'healthy' relationships, A Happy-ish Marriage, filling the post grad void with codependency, the fact that the path of least resistance can be excruciating, mid life crisis, white picket fence, marriage, suburbia, figuring out what i want in life, independence, what is my life going to look like, codependence as a regression of independence, the fact that my friend klara wrote an article with accompanying chart titled “Unmascing Pt. I: The Comprehensive Vassar Boys Chart”,

vassar boys chart

amab, afab, Boys & Sex by Peggy Orenstein, incessant self-critique, spiritual bypassing, talk the talk, genderqueerness as an attempt to erase gender differences, colorblindness, genderqueerness as a liberatory project, I am a citizen of the universe, the fact that im curious: can you feel sorry without feeling bad? regret without negative affect, is that possible? the fact that if no, then is the desire for an apology an expressed need for someone to feel bad, punishment, carceral thinking, the fact that my friend Bett Williams wrote, “feeling bad about yourself is an ego trip and a waste of time,” the fact that non-binary thinking allows for space of exploring people's identity beyond gender, the fact that so consistently i've felt that gender has been a totalizing lense, the fact that i don't want to underemphasize or ignore gender, but rather have felt that gendered lenses can result in a lack of holding interpersonal realities of aggression, and reduced people's responsibility of developing self-awareness and communication skills, conflict resolution, the fact that gendered lenses can be an easy way out, dumping things on gender, the fact that on the one hand hand i see myself as “queer-lite” and don't want to take up too much space in queer spaces, the fact that on the other hand i remove my earrings (usually dangly) when i stop at gas stations outside of urban areas and want to validate my queerness so at the very least i can be aware of it and its implications for my physical safety and emotional wellbeing, am I queer enough, gatekeeping, the fact that my friend/co-worker Mel had a very inclusive definition of queerness which was “questioning and exploring sexualiy and/or gender,” the fact that I've had a really masc cis straight friend question whether or not I thought i appropriated queerness (particularly in fashion or sometimes speech), the fact that i've also had a really queer lesbian friend tell me I'm not queer but rather “non-normative/deviant sexuality and gender,” the fact that sometimes I think masc person having sex with femme people = not queer, the fact that this is very binary thinking though, is there a queer aesthetic? can it be appropriated, the fact that my cis friend (not really friend) was really judgmental of me wearing a crop-top, the fact that i'm not sure what is appropriation vs. gender expression, queer-lite, the fact that i've had sex with non-binary people and by not identifying as queer that can also be considered an affront to their identities,

the fact that I'm from Florida, feminist killjoys, The Beach Bum, the fact that I don't really identify with moondog at all, the fact that i'm pretty neurotic and definitely not a stoner or a beach bum, ♫ i don't even smoke weed / it gives me anxiety ♫, privilege, escape, the privilege to escape, the privilege to goof off, boats, wake, those left in the wake, damage, consequences, Wolf of Wallstreet, Pleasure Activism

Reporter: You’ve had an interesting life. How did you pull it off? How did you do it?

Moondog: How did I pull it off? How did I do it? [laughs] I mean, look, I could tell you that I've been trying to uncover the abyss beneath my illusory connection with the world. I could tell you that it's all written in the stars. I could tell you that I'm a reverse paranoiac. I am quite certain that the world is conspiring to make me happy. All three of which are true but it's really simpler than that. I like to have fun, man. Fun is the fucking gun, man. That is why I like boats. I like water. I like sunshine. I like beautiful women. A lot. I get all these things going, man, and they are all turning me on. And my wires are connecting upstairs and I start to hear music in my head. You know, and the world is reverberating back and forth and I hit the frequency and I start to dance to it. My fingers get moving, my head gets soupy, I'm spinning all over the fucking place, and the fucking words come out. It is like it's a fucking gift.

Reporter: What makes you, Moondog, different than all these other people?

Moondog: Seriously? You mean the ones up north on the mainland, the ones racing to the red line, the ones stuck in their ways, a little bit too busy to check in and say, howdy-howdy-doo? That shit's not for me, man. I mean, fuck, man, so many people trip themselves when they're running downhill. Life's hard enough. Why would you fucking want to do that? I mean, it's like, we're here to have a good time. I just want to have a good time until this shit's over, man. This life gig's a fucking rodeo, and I'm gonna suck the nectar out of it. Fuck it raw dog until the wheels come off,

the fact that in the poem “September 1st, 1939” W.H. Auden wrote

Faces along the bar Cling to their average day: The lights must never go out, The music must always play . . . Lest we should see where we are, Lost in a haunted wood, Children afraid of the night Who have never been happy or good.

white men, the objectification of women, the fact that the ending of The Beach Bum, gives me so much physical anxiety that it almost ruins the movie for me, the fact that this is what Kurt Vonnegut said in an interview about telling his wife he's going out to buy an envelope:

Oh, she says well, you're not a poor man. You know, why don't you go online and buy a hundred envelopes and put them in the closet? And so I pretend not to hear her. And go out to get an envelope because I'm going to have a hell of a good time in the process of buying one envelope. I meet a lot of people. And, see some great looking babes. And a fire engine goes by. And I give them the thumbs up. And, and ask a woman what kind of dog that is. And, and I don't know. The moral of the story is, is we're here on Earth to fart around. And, of course, the computers will do us out of that. And, what the computer people don't realize, or they don't care, is we're dancing animals. You know, we love to move around. And, we're not supposed to dance at all anymore,

the fact that I'm not sure when I started to believe, to really internalize, that i'm not really someone unless i “make something” of my life, prestige vs. privilege, status vs. comfort and stability, opportunity and abundance vs. scarcity and inadequacy, the fact that i must be wary of elevating affect to the level of social cause,

Lewis: I’ve had a lot in my life. But I always had this feeling like when I left, no one going to remember me. But knowing you, being a part of what you did, maybe that means something now. I want to thank you,

the fact that i want to send my thesis to Michael Pollan and DoubleBlind Mag, the fact that Timothy Leary said that “the kids who take LSD aren't going to fight your wars... they're not going to join your corporations, they won't buy it,” the fact that i don't think psychedelics are inherently progressive tools of liberation, the fact that i think they're being co-opted by mainstream medicine and psychology as tools of assimilation, Lucy In The Sky With Nazis: Psychedelics and the Right Wing, the fact that I think that article illustrates the importance of creating systems for integration of psychedelics to reduce their capacity to promote far right-wing ideologies but I think that doing so will have a similar limiting effect on far left-wing ideologies, the fact that I think psychedelics enhance the context in which they are taken and will thereby enhance the status quo mentality of the medical industrial complex that individualizes and depoliticizes people's suffering, “as more people 'turn on' it may be that the status quo impacts popular conceptions of psychedelia more so than vice versa,” the medical co-optation of mystical experience as the final frontier of secularization, Michael Pollan on the Science and Sublimity of Psychedelics, the fact that everyone is so critical of Leary (for good reason) but people (mainstream society) really embrace Michael Pollan, the fact that Nixon declared Leary to be “the most dangerous man in America” on national television, the fact there are reasons why Michael Pollan isn't seen as a threat to the status quo and to those in power, the pharmaceutical industrial complex, the fact that i really enjoyed watching Fantastic Fungi with hadley but i also am really critical of it, the fact that i'm critical of individual self-regulation, the neoliberal capitalist logic of efficiency and optimization at the heart of 'addiction' and mental health paradigms, critical disability studies, intersectionality, the fact that who gets punished for not self-regulating is shaped by identity and systems of oppression, the fact that white people are arrested for drugs too, the fact that the war on drugs is definitely racist and sexist, the fact that people don't consider what people are struggling with that contributes to substance abuse, the fact that drugs are also a legitimate means of pleasure, relief, escape, social activity, the fact that it's really hard to put that in conversation with substance abuse in a way that doesn't feel insensitive, the fact that i should apologize more to violet, societal oppression, inequality, lack of hope, stagnant wages, housing crisis, cultural mediocrity, loneliness, isolation, decline of community, pollution, the fact that 'allopathy' sounds way better than 'the medical-industrial complex,' homeopathy, Make America Trip Again, the fact that psychedelics could be utilized as tools of imagination, capitalist realism, The Beginning of the End of Capitalist Realism, The Meaning of Marianne Williamson, “there’s more in heaven and earth than what’s dreamed of by normal politicians,” the fact that Shakespeare wrote in Hamlet, “there are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy,” myopia, Acid Communism, What is Acid Corbynism?, Living, Not Just Surviving, the fact that im proud of my thesis but i didn't like the process of writing it, the fact that i don't like academia, the fact that i'm considering grad school, the fact that i wish i could just indulge in the utopia of daily life but minimum wage sucks, the fact that i live in a van, ditching suburbia: are families that live in rv's considered homeless?, food stamps, work requirements, the fact that i really don't buy into normative standards of 'the good life,' the fact that i think western industrialized societies got it all wrong, but the fact that the communal and countercultural experiments of the 60's didn't really work and are escapist and privileged, Rick Doblin, mainstream society,

the fact that there are so many reasons that I want to leave the United States, white supremacy, income inequality, status inequality, our education system, poverty, homelessness, work culture, individualist mentalities, the war on drugs, alcoholism, party culture, that quote from Jenny Odell the fact that are many reasons that I don't want to leave the United States, escapism, responsibility, accountability, activism, white supremacy (attending to, not benefitting from), weather, RV culture, arts, culture, television, spirituality, community, friends,

the fact that establishment Democrats are realizing that Buttigieg is their vehicle to preserve the neoliberal status quo, Pete Buttigieg’s Elite-Friendly Politics Won’t Help the Marginalized, Mayor Pete Buttigieg Is Even Worse Than He Seems, “Mayor Pete Was the Kinda Kid Who Unplugged the Sega If He Was Losing.”, the fact that they're dropping Biden for the next best anti-Bernie candidate, Pete Buttigieg on Bernie Sanders, the fact that progressive voters who voted for Warren could've voted for Bernie and he would be in a clear lead right now, A Progressive’s Guide to Choosing Between Bernie and Warren, “I want a president” by Zoe Leonard, “I want a candidate who isn't the lesser of two evils,” Trump, Buttigieg, Biden, Eileen Myles, the Squad, the fact that only 62% of results have been released, “Just finished 62% of Titanic and Rose and Jack’s future seems really bright”, #mayorcheat, Tom Perez's recanvassing bullshit, the fact that I don't think things will change that much if Bernie is elected, the fact that his policies could definitely really improve people's lives, the fact that will still have pollution, lack of community, lack of public space, a lack of of people prioritized over profits,

the fact that the impeachment hearings sound like boring sports commentary and that is so depressing, What Happened With Merrick Garland In 2016 And Why It Matters Now

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