anxiety: a public memoir

*TRIGGER WARNING*

the fact that the impeachment hearings sound like boring sports commentary and that is so depressing, What Happened With Merrick Garland In 2016 And Why It Matters Now

the fact that a federal ban on making lethal viruses has been lifted, coronavirus, bird flu, Contagion, How Fear of Contagious Diseases Fuels Xenophobia, the fact that fear of disease doesn't justify xenophobia or racism, the Great Filter, global nuclear war, the fact that Chernobyl is great television, distraction,

the fact that I almost got hit by a car tonight, the fact that they tried to run me over and honked at me, the fact that maybe it was because of the supremacy of cars in american culture and society, the fact that maybe it was because of toxic masculinity, the fact that maybe the driver wasn't a man, the fact that maybe the driver is really struggling in their life and had little to no patience for a cyclist on the road, the fact that maybe their patience had been diminished by a minimum wage job or inequality or gentrification or the lack of a social safety net in this country, universal healthcare, #ilikebernie, the fact that maybe it was because of white entitlement and the (lack of empathy? violence?) at the heart of whiteness, Radical Dharma, the fact that if I hadn't swerved out of the lane at the last second they would've hit me, the fact that I've been hit by a car before and someone's tried to run me over before, cyclists' right to the road, the fact that the bay area isn't bike friendly, the fact that baela said that LA is experiencing a surge in it's bike culture, the fact that i imagine it's way less safe than the bay, but the fact that the bay isn't safe but it has a false sense that it is safe which is also dangerous, the fact that so many people here ride around without helmets, the fact that I ride without my helmet sometimes, the fact that Berlin has a great bike culture, or so I'm told, the fact that a pedestrian was hit by a car in Berkeley the other day and killed, Vehicle fleeing police in Berkeley fatally strikes pedestrian, the fact that winters in Berlin are brutal, the fact that my SAD is really bad, the fact that getting killed in a bike accident also sounds pretty bad, the fact that I'm privileged to be able to make these choices, or privileged to be able to think that I am, the fact that people emphasize class privilege and forget about class solidarity, the 99%, Occupy Wallstreet, 99.9% by Kaytranada, Parasite, You Have to See Parasite, Parasite, a Window Into South Korean Neoliberalism, The Platform review: Angrily scratches the Snowpiercer and Parasite itch – Vox, Netflix's New Horror Film The Platform Is Being Compared To Parasite – LADbible, Why Are Rich People So Anxious?, The New Conspicuous Consumption, Trust your nose: what rich people can learn from Parasite | Film | The Guardian, Rich People Love 'Parasite,' a Movie That Roasts Rich People – VICE, Sorry to Bother You, “Crazy” Anticapitalism, In the World of Film, We've Edited out All Rebellion, Race, Surrealism, and Apocalyptic in North American Film, “This Is America” by Childish Gambino, sweep it under the rug, respectability politics, Earthseed, “God is change,” “Ki-woo, you know what plan never fails? No plan at all. You know why? If you make a plan, life never works out that way,” laughter is the best medicine, the fact that noise pollution in Europe is really bad and has been linked to higher death rates, the fact that it's because Europe is really densely populated so there's more noise, Office Space’s Neoliberal Workplace Has Only Gotten Worse,

the fact that I know how my mind works but that doesn't always mean I can change it, CBT, depressive realism, the fact that the constantness of anxiety feels like a kind of constant dissociation from my experience, the fact that i'm pretty sure my anxiety has been worse since i cultivated a greater awareness of my headspace, meditation, the fact that i now can recognize my anxiety and an acute awareness of my anxiety in the moment can produce more anxiety, the fact that i get anxious about how i'm acting in a space when i'm anxious, the fact that i get anxious about not being able to leave a space, the fact that i get anxious about how leaving a space might make me more anxious, the fact that i get anxious about how expressing my anxiety in the moment might make me more anxious and even have a panic attack, the fact that i get anxious about being weird or awkward or rude when im anxious when really i'm just trying to take care of myself and my needs, the fact that sometimes i dont want people to “help” me when im anxious because that means more attention on me and that makes me anxious when im anxious, the fact that i keep so much tension in my body, the fact that i really don't like being alone, the fact that i wrote a paper in highschool about solitude vs. loneliness, the fact that i cherish moments of solitude but they're not often, the fact that i really love / crave / need people, “it takes a village,” drugs, cravings, neuroscience, brain, receptors, synapses, neurotransmitters, serotonin, toner, printer toner, make-up toner, MDMA, rollsafe.org,

“Oh, earth, you're too wonderful for anybody to realize you,” the fact that in any sustainable future we would need to have composting toilets, the fact that people aren’t willing to give up their comforts, the fact that I’m not willing to give up all of my comforts, but I also live in a van, “Deep Adaptation: A Map for Navigating Climate Tragedy”, the fact that someone told me that someone wrote an article about how living in a van actually doesn’t have a smaller footprint, the fact that I believe it, the fact that Kevin says that we could actually generate electricity from our urine, The no-flush movement: the unexpected rise of the composting toilet, the fact that being sustainable takes intentionality, time, and energy, attention economy, Our Town, “we like the sun comin’ up over the mountain in the morning, and we all notice a good deal about the birds, we pay a lot of attention to them”, I.C.E., the fact that i’m so tired, transportation, transition, Mr. Robot, Things It Would Have Been Helpful to Know Before the Revolution, r/collapse, government-funded campaigns to address toxic masculinity, racism, homophobia, public service jobs providing education about dismantling white supremacy, teachers, co-optation, destroying the patriarchy, eating the rich, rejecting the binary, The Struggles of Rejecting the Gender Binary, Gender is not a spectrum, Confessions of a Social Constructionist, Jordan Peterson's Bullshit, alternative money systems, bitcoin, tech bros, decentralization, taxation, waste, the fact that California, and specifically Berkeley, has a reputation of sustainability but we contribute to landfills like everyone else, maybe less so, but still, “Since 2000, the amount of solid waste sent to landfills from the Berkeley community dropped by approximately 50%, from 112,498 tons in 2000 to 56,189 tons in 2013” (source), “Berkeley currently sends about 68,000 tons of material to the landfill” (source), the fact that the first report said 56,189 tons in 2013 and the second article said 68,000 tons and was published in 2018, the fact that “Californians throw away 6 pounds of trash every day, equivalent to almost 2200 pounds every year, roughly the weight of a subcompact car” (source), pounds of trash per day, PPD, zero waste, plastic straws, beauty products, food, nationalization of food, nationalization of oil, eminent domain, nationalization of technology, Wi-Fi and cell phones, municipally owned utilities, the fact that we could all collectively own everything, The Cheese Board Collective, the fact that Lucy works at Cheese Board, the fact that I developed a lactose intolerance over the summer, municipal broadband, Municipal Broadband Is Roadblocked Or Outlawed In 25 States, City Wifi: Fast, Cheap, and No You Can’t Have It, 19 more Colorado cities and counties vote in favor of city-owned internet, while Fort Collins approves $150 million to move forward, public transportation, communal housing, communal parties, food orgy, communal meals, the right to reuse, repairing, the Berkeley tool lending library, the right to refuse, consent, repairing, no cars, Ecotopia, “Drunk Drivers/Killer Whales” By Car Seat Headrest, ♫ There's no comfort in responsibility / Drunk drivers, drunk drivers / It doesn't have to be like this / It doesn't have to be like this / It doesn't have to be like this ♫ , ♫ This is not a good thing / I don't mean to rationalize / Or try and explain it away ♫ , Blackfish, animal cruelty, the fact that Mothers Against Drunk Driving have consistently opposed legislation to lower the drinking age, To Reduce Binge Drinking, Lower the Drinking Age, 123 College Presidents Sign Initiative to Lower Legal Drinking Age, Group Opposes, College Presidents Urge Rethink On Drinking Age, Students for Sensible Drug Policy, SSDP, MADD, mad, Mad Magazine, Mad Men, Mad Max, energy consumption, using less light, less heating, the fact that living in a van really makes me think about everything I'm using as finite, solar panels, externalities, the fact that Geoffrey Miller writes in Spent that:

All negative externalities are, by definition, encroachments on other people’s lives and property. So, even hard-core libertarians who believe that governments should do nothing more than protect people from such encroachments should be willing to accept a consumption tax specifically designed to counteract such encroachments. From this viewpoint, the consumption tax is not paternalistic meddling. Rather, it is a classical “Pigovian tax” designed to correct the negative externalities of market activity. … From that perspective, it seems reasonable that governments should impose consumption taxes designed to neutralize each product type’s externalities. In other words, we should be free to choose what we buy and how we live, as long as we pay the fair price for every harm we do to others in the process,

the fact that people don't consider the energy requirements of video games or television or their Keurig, they just pay their utility bill, the fact that my battery runs out sometimes and my food spoils, fashion, fast fashion, clothes, minimalism, Wild Wild Country, robes, dressing for comfort but also for fashion, O.D.D., LLC®, “Clothes are a language; can you read? 'No' is OK. It's rhetorical; everybody speaks clothes — everybody, homelessness, #Moms4Housing, privilege, perspective, insensitive, New Age, Bohemianism, San Francisco, New York, Paris, Pride has sold its soul to rainbow-branded capitalism,

the fact that I watch too much TV, the fact that I listed TV on a list of things that prevent me from living the life that I want to live, self-help, Maniac, Father John Misty, ♫ Total Entertainment Forever ♫, the fact that Randy gave me a book titled The Unreality Industry: The Deliberate Manufacturing of Falsehood about TV as distraction but I haven't read it yet, ♫ Things It Would Have Been Helpful to Know Before the Revolution ♫, Barbara Kruger, I shop therefore I am, Danny Brown, ♫ Best Life ♫, Legion, 7 MIndf*ck TV Shows Every Guy Should See, 14 Mindfuck TV Shows That Are Guaranteed To Mess With Your Weekend Vibe, “psychedelic experiences don't just have to come from consuming fungus or injecting nutmeg, they can also be triggered by the visual experiences available to us today,” psychedelic experiences as apolitical, What is Acid Corbynism?, Corbyn, Sanders, and Warren: The Bogus Comparison, How the Cool Kids of the Left Turned on Elizabeth Warren, the fact that Trump being elected was like something out of a dystopian fiction novel, the fact that I don’t mean to say that it was surprising, the fact that dystopia is real and so is white supremacy, the fact that we live in a dystopia and most people don’t think that we do, 17 Mindfuck TV Shows That'll Make You Question the Fabric of Reality, Twin Peaks, Black Mirror, “Black Museum,” Janelle Monáe, Sense8, Altered Carbon, Wilfred, Russian Doll; Love, Death & Robots; The OA, Westworld, Mr. Robot, Lost, The Leftovers, Damon Lindelof, Watchmen, the fact that David recommended that I watch Watchmen, the fact that Tika and David said that if you want to work in TV you really have to commit your professional life to that goal, the fact that David and I bonded over watching The Leftovers together, the fact that Tika asked us what our favorite memories were together, the fact that I said watching The Leftovers together, but the fact that that question reminds me of when Luke (construction Luke, who I worked with alongside Kevin briefly for their living roof business) asked me what I did for fun and I didn’t know what to say, the fact that really my favorite memories of my friendship with David are the everyday stuff, conversation, laughter, support, intimacy and vulnerability, growth, nothing special or remarkable in the typical sense of a certain occasion or event or trip, but certainly special and remarkable to me, the fact that Damon Lindelof said that the success of The Leftovers sent him spiralling into depression (source), the fact that TV seems like a truly powerful and unique and rewarding and fulfilling and energizing environment to engage in one's creativity collaboratively and for a mass audience while also getting paid handsomely for it, the fact that I want a creative outlet for my experience, for grappling with the dystopia we live in, expressive arts therapy, Sharon, Farhana, CIIS, psychedelics, escape, Brave New World, the fact that for Nicole Kassel working on Watchmen was a creative outlet for living in Trump’s America; Ducks, Newburyport; “working on Watchmen in the current political climate, ‘I felt this other relief as an artist,’ Kassell said, ‘Like everyone else, I was reeling since the election. What can I do? How can I respond? When I read this I was like, This is it. This is where I can put that energy.’ There’s a palpable sense of relief in her voice as she talks about how the show is not only liberating for an artist Hollywood put on the shelf too soon, but for a human worn out from living in Trump’s America” (Vanity Fair), the fact that Trump ordered the assassination of General Suleimani, the fact that Suleimani was killed by drone strike, the fact that this could turn into a global conflict, the fact that @SpookyAnarchist claimed that this event will not spark WWIII and called out people (see Americans) for not acknowledging the Iranian lives that will be lost as a result of this needless war, global nuclear war, mutually assured destruction, weapons of mass destruction, Fallout 3, Fallout 4, Fallout: New Vegas, Watchmen, Open World RPGs, The Witcher 3, The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim, Red Dead Redemption, Red Dead Redemption 2, Cyberpunk 2077, Grand Theft Auto V, The 25 Best Open World Games To Play Right Now and Completely Forget Real Life Exists, Naming the Appeal of Fantasy Worlds, escape, engagement, binge watching, conversation, reddit, theories, explanations, fans, ♫ The Real World ♫ by Drugdealer ft. Sheer Agony, psychedelics, fantasy, dystopia, the fact that i said smartphones take us away from the moment and then and i think it was Devon who showed me the photo about how people said that about newspapers when they first came out, Vintage Photographs of People Reading Newspapers Before the Invention of That Grossly Antisocial Device: The Smartphone, Stop Sharing This Photo of Antisocial Newspaper Readers, Social Interaction Is Critical for Mental and Physical Health, the fact that Sarah says I'm really consistent in my appreciation of television, the fact that she's certainly not wrong, mindfuck as creative taste, “the last great hidden frontier, Mindlantis,” Freud, Civilization and Its Discontents, My Name is Chellis and I'm in Recovery from Western Civilization, the reductionism of psychological and biological approaches to the mind/brain, “honey, it's just the way your brain was hardwired,” laughter, tears, doubt, synth music, dancing, the lost city of childhood and play and freedom, the fact that as we grow older we lose play in our lives, the fact that psychedelics can help foster experiences of play by creating neural pathways that mimic the brain of a child, Netflix's 'Maniac' Is a Hallucinatory, Emotional Dream Machine, 'Maniac' Nails What It's Like Living with Mental Illness, Maniac Is a Strange, Hyperkinetic Ode to Connection, the fact that Maniac touches upon the reductionism of psychiatry and biomedicine as well as the emptiness of pop psychology and self-help, the fact that I think I'm more interested in teaching, writing, and creating as methods of expression, outlet, and community-building than I am in pursuing a formal career in psychotherapy, A Contemporary Representation of Reality: the Hysterical Realist Novel, Ducks, Newburyport, Tell me how does it feel?, “a pursuit of vitality at all costs,” This is how it feels to me,

hypothesis: all souls are on a quest to connect, corollary: our minds have no awareness of this quest, hypothesis: all the worlds that almost were matter just as much as the world we're in, corollary: these hidden worlds cause us great pain, camaraderie, communion, family, friendship, love, what have you, we're lost without connection, it's quite terrible to be alone, put simply, my goal is to eradicate all unnecessary and inefficient forms of human pain. forever. we must evolve past our suffering ... my research into this matter is, of course, ongoing,

Industrial Workers of the World, “Workers of the world, unite!”, Medicalizing Society, Why Bernie Sanders Is the Strongest Candidate on Mental Health Care, the fact that psychiatry was founded to suppress labor organizing, the fact that I tried to bring up these arguments to my clinical psych professor and she altogether dismissed them, dismissing my arguments as a straw man fallacy instead of taking my disilussionment with psychology seriously and helping me to refine my critical perspectives, ego,

the fact that i'm struggling with intermediate, action-oriented steps between the present, the here and now, and my future goals and interests, the fact that i'm aware of clearly defined interests but am really struggling with a lack of clearly defined paths, the fact that I don't feel like i'm just constantly in search of something that is in the future, living for the future and not for the moment, the fact that i feel grounded in process but that i need a future goal to provide structure to the process of daily life, wandering, aimless, lost, funemployed, vanlife, “not all those who wander are lost”, what if i am lost though? r/lostgeneration, space, the fact that we're all just floating here in space, ♫ Do you realize we're floating in space? ♫, Avenue 5, spaceship earth, bowl cut maintenance, the illusion, The Matrix, Best Job Search Sites for Entry-Level Positions, the fact that I want to create art and write but feel status pressure and financial anxiety that motivate me to pursue a 'career,' the fact that I also want to work in mental health and critical consciousness-raising (see communication skills, conflict resolution), List of over 12,000 careers, [MEGA THREAD] Let's list off all the jobs we think will be safe from automation, and all the jobs that will be affected in the next decade or two, r/Futurology, r/DarkFuturology, The Dystopic Leftist Youth of Reddit and Facebook, Day Jobs For Writers; Yes, Real Writers Have Day Jobs; self-doubt, self-employed, isolation, alienation, freelance, instability, lack of structure and community, Jobs That Leave You Time to Write, Does Having a Day Job Mean Making Better Art?, “a day job might perform the same replenishing ministries as sleep or a long run: relieving creative angst, restoring the artist to her body and to the texture of immediate experience,” Don't give up the day job – how artists make a living | Culture | The Guardian, The Best Day Jobs for Aspiring Artists and Other Creative Types | Complex, Artists: Find the right day job | CareerBuilder, the fact that this is a list of jobs/careers that i would be interested in that i think is somewhat exhaustive for me right now:

  • Social worker / therapist / psychologist
  • Bartender
  • Bicycle mechanic
  • Carpenter
  • Child care
  • Clinical counseling and school psychology
  • Creative writing
  • Curator
  • Editor
  • Library worker (Berkeley public library)
  • Farm (?) – ask Addison (Teacher-in-Residence — Slide Ranch)
  • Health educator (harm reduction – reach out to Oakland ssdp person)
  • Media – mcsweeney’s
  • Nature therapy (seeds over the summer)
  • Outdoor education
  • Personal assistant (to an artist)
  • Waiter
  • Writer
  • Professor
  • Artist
  • Research assistant

What are some career paths in which I can apply my knowledge of and conviction from critical theory?, “Of course, the academy has no impact either. If arguing with Nick Land's right-accelerationist interpretation of dialectical materialism sounds like a worthwhile use of the final decade of the Anthropocene, that's on you,” Career advice for a fan of critical theory?, Those with degrees in Critical Theory, what are you doing now?, Modern Critical Theory Academia, the fact that i should separate my job from my life work, the fact that for my job i should pursue mental health services since i have experience in the field and its likely to be a really sustainable source of income given that our world is a fucking mess, psychedelic therapy, social work degree, tech therapy, the fact that for my life work i'm interested in critical theory, maybe a phd, mental health writing, art, community building, cooperative living, One and Three Ideas: Conceptualism Before, During, and After Conceptual Art – Journal #29 November 2011 – e-flux, Alexandro Segade on Sense8 – Artforum International, Post-conceptual Britain | Prospect Magazine, carrasco2012.pdf, Peter Osborne: The postconceptual condition / Radical Philosophy, Frederic Jameson, Walter Benjamin, Post-conceptual art – Wikipedia, Microsoft Word – Lecture Peter Osborne_TESTO.doc, Conceptual art – Art Term | Tate, When Contemporary Art Feels Too Inaccessible, What the Art World Can Do to Make Art Accessible to More People – Artsy, Why Is Academic Writing So Academic? | The New Yorker, The Ig Nobel Prize and Other Efforts to Eradicate Complex Academic Writing – The Atlantic, Why Inaccessibility? Despite progressive tone, attacks on academics' lack of clarity can be profoundly regressive. | Impact of Social Sciences, Academic Language and the Problem of Meaninglessness : literature, Academic Language and the Problem of Meaninglessness | Current Affairs, Seeing Race Again by Kimberlé Williams Crenshaw, Luke Charles Harris, Daniel Martinez HoSang – Paperback – University of California Press, Are there philosophers who address the inaccessibility of language in philosophy? : askphilosophy, Warren Neidich: The Glossary of Cognitive Activism, Warren Neidich – Wikipedia, Mark Fisher – Wikipedia, The Psychopathologies of Cognitive Capitalism: The Cognitive Turn Organized by Mark Fisher and Warren Neidich | Goldsmiths, University of London, 2020 | Berlin – Saas-Fee Summer Institute of Art, PhD Application Question : CriticalTheory, Which schools have the “best” Critical Theory (or similar) post graduate programs? : CriticalTheory, Studying critical theory? : GradSchool, the fact that i'm interested in pursuing a career as an artist, as if, Advice for Artists on How to Make a Living—When Selling Art Doesn’t Pay the Bills – Artsy, Why You Will Fail to Make a Living as an Artist | Artwork Archive, How to Increase Your Opportunities In The Art World | Artwork Archive, How to Make Money as an Artist on Instagram | Artwork Archive, 4 Artists Share Their Social Media Strategies – Artsy, Artists Become Famous through Their Friends, Not the Originality of Their Work – Artsy, These Artists Jump-Started Their Careers by Selling Directly to Collectors on Instagram – Artsy, Art/Work – Revised & Updated: Everything You Need to Know (and Do) As You Pursue Your Art Career: Bhandari, Heather Darcy, Melber, Jonathan: 9781501146169: Amazon.com: Books, How to Survive and Prosper as an Artist: Selling Yourself without Selling Your Soul (Seventh Edition): Michels, Caroll: 9781621536130: Amazon.com: Books, The Artist's Guide: How to Make a Living Doing What You Love: Battenfield, Jackie: 9780306816529: Amazon.com: Books, Grad school : psychoanalysis, Spaces of Psychoanalysis on VimeoGraduate programs for studying critical theory? : CriticalTheory, Critique of Psychology : CriticalTheory, Modern Psychotherapy and Revolutionary Tendencies : socialism,

the fact that Ruby's grandpa says that locks create thieves,

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unboundaried, therapist, codependent, the fact that I've had many complicated relationships with therapists, the fact that I feel like I need validation from therapists even though I'm very critical of the model of individual pathology at the heart of clinical psychology, do I have anxiety? validation, the fact that I expressed doubt about my anxiety to Sarah and she said that I “definitely have anxiety”, mental health, productive anxiety, the fact that David believes that therapists are only effective when you have a concrete goal to work on, the fact that David believes anxiety medication should work like a volume knob, medication, the fact that David thinks you should be able to work with your anxiety not eliminate it, suppression, masculinity, minimal side effects, sleepiness, weight gain,

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the fact that Tika said she thinks it's really sweet that I take notes all the time, the fact that she said that I “treat life like a class,” neuroticism, Unequal Childhoods, free time, structure, play,

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