trigger/content warning: mental health

the fact that i haven't been posting very much but i have been writing a bunch, the fact that I'll probably dump it all here soon, the fact that my anxiety's been through the roof, the fact that even here (a space for my thoughts) it feels like I'm taking up too much space, the fact that this isn't so much a complaint as an acknowledgment, the fact that i think its good that I'm considering how much space I'm taking up but the fact that it can also be self-centering and excessive and unproductive, the fact that sometimes i just need to get out of my head more but the fact that getting out of my head doesn't necessarily mean engaging in more community-oriented work, embodiment, the fact that its really hard for me to engage with social media and virtual platforms and I've felt this for ages, self-love, guilt, the fact that I'm still not entirely sure how to reconcile my anxiety with anti-racist work, the fact that i think this is mostly because i'm still pretty stuck in my anxiety and that feels pretty unresolved, For the white person who wants to know how to be my friend by Pat Parker, mental health vs. white discomfort, self-care vs. escapism, “discomfort is not dangerous”, the fact that a Suicide Epidemic Has Swept Across American West, Are We Facing a Post-COVID-19 Suicide Epidemic?, Thoughts on the Suicide Epidemic, the fact that Suicide Is Becoming America’s Latest Epidemic, COVID-19 and Suicide: ‘A Perfect Storm’?, civic duty/engagement, social responsibility, the fact that I'm pretty resistant to medication in part due to being significantly over-medicated on stimulants when i was a kid, the fact that in high school at one point i was taking 70mg of Adderall a day, the fact that i also struggle with chronic fatigue and worry that anxiety medication would worsen that which would only amplify my anxiety in a myriad of ways, productivity, employment, energy, exercise, social life, the fact that anxiety can manifest as guilt and can hinder my anti-racist work and engagement, the fact that im exhausted and haven't been sleeping well, the fact that i think everyone should read Radical Dharma but i haven't seen it talked about lately, Pleasure Activism, “If I can't dance, I don't want to be part of your revolution. A revolution without dancing is not a revolution worth having,” the fact that it seems like material activism has been displaced by emotional activism (in some spaces), discomfort as the work, Read Vivian Gornick’s Romance of American Communism, The Humanity of American Communism, unthinkable thoughts: call out culture in the age of covid-19 – adrienne maree brown,