the fact that i'm not sure if i want this job in portland or not, the fact that its hard for me to think about committing 2 years of my life to something i know will make me a certain kind of miserable, 40 hour work weeks, 9 to 5, clinical psych research, commuting, the fact that commuting in sf would probably be a lot worse, the fact that rent is more in sf, the fact that i want a break from the physical pain and emotional stress of living in a van, the fact that if i wanted a job job then this is likely the job i would pursue, the fact that academia and research seem really isolating, the fact that at least in grad school i'd be immersed in a community of peers, the fact that i would love some more financial security, the fact that i could save up money if i had this job probably, the fact that i'm not sure i even want to do clinical psych research tho, the fact that i haven't even applied to the job, the fact that i'm confident i'd be a strong applicant, the fact that im pretty disillusioned with psychedelic therapies, the fact that im not disillusioned with psychedelics, the fact that i dont think i want to live in the US, the fact that i don't speak any other languages, the fact that i think its pretty fucked up that learning another language really isn't stressed in US education, the fact that i think i'd like to travel to central or south america, the fact that i dont want to be just another white tourist, spiritual extractivism, the fact that i'm curious how genderqueerness and masculinity exist in central and south america, the fact that i'm curious how genderqueerness and masculinity exist in berlin, the fact there are certain qualities that i look for in a place, good weather, sunlight, progressive politics, groundedness (vs. new age spiritual bs), intellectualism, work-life balance, queer friendly, good public transportation, bike accessible, Powell's, Chinese garden, rose garden, Japanese garden, Mother Foucault, cheap eats, mental health think tank, the fact that i need to remember to reach out to Colin (Sarah's former partner) about his friend Michael, the fact that my body hurts, the fact that im worried about my finances, the fact that i've had to spend thousands of dollars on van repairs, the fact that i haven't been sleeping well, the fact that many of my friendships are dormant, the fact that i don't know where I'm going or what im doing with my life, yay, the fact that grizzly peak vista point, frowning ridge, and grizzly peak blvd overlook are all great spots in Berkeley to park my van overnight,